


Alex

by LittleSammy



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-03
Updated: 2010-04-03
Packaged: 2017-10-08 16:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/77578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSammy/pseuds/LittleSammy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Fox Mulder looses his memory, Krycek is sent to investigate if he may be faking it. He gets more than he bargained for, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alex

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frogspace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogspace/gifts).



> DISCLAIMER: They're not mine. And there's really no use in suing me for it because all you'd get are some books and DVDs. Okay, *lots* of those...
> 
> The basic idea belonged to Brenda Antrim. It was derived from her 'Krychek', and I used that one without permission, too.
> 
> TIMELINE: This is set about five to six months after the events in 'Paper Clip', but definitely before 'Piper Maru' and 'Apocrypha'.
> 
> Posting this, I realize it has been about ten years since this came into existence. Back then, it took almost a year to write it. Both thoughts make me feel weird, for some reason.

 

The first thing the agent became aware of when he regained consciousness was the pain. A sharp, throbbing sensation that pulsed behind his temples and exploded into pure agony as he slowly tried to turn his head. He kept his eyes tightly shut to fight the sudden feeling of nausea down that rose in his too dry throat, but he was only partly successful. His mouth was so dry... He licked his lips and tried to swallow, and it hurt.

Taking deep, even breaths to keep the sickness under control, he concentrated on the cool, smooth feeling beneath his fingertips. Sheets. Not the soft ones he'd use but rougher somehow.

Then the smell hit him, a peculiar mixture of disinfectant, floor wax and something other that made his stomach turn once again. It felt so strange... As he took another deep breath, trying to ignore the sickening composition of smell, he noticed the tiny beeping sounds some machine was eliciting close to his bed. A hospital. What was he doing in a hospital?

He tried to think, tried to remember what had brought him here, but the effort only served to turn his head into one big ache. With a moan he raised his hand and found a small bandage at his temple. He felt the painfully throbbing pulse even through the fabric.

Deep breaths, then think. He had been hurt, obviously. How? He searched his memory and found nothing. Not uncommon to lose short-term memory after an accident, though. Okay, go back further - what was he usually doing that could get him injured?

And again he found nothing. His eyes snapped open as he found his brain blank, wiped clean with nothing left. Not even his name.

 

*** *** ***

 

Special Agent Dana Scully closed the door of her partner's apartment behind her with a strange feeling coiling in her belly, a feeling that made her want to get out as fast as she could. She'd been here on various occasions, for a lot of different reasons, but this was one of the situations she always dreaded. The times when she was here because her partner was in trouble.

It was dark inside the apartment, and she felt a bit reluctant to switch the light on. The darkness felt so natural. Finally she slipped her keys back into her pocket, shrugged out of her coat and went to work to spend the next few hours searching Mulder's files and folders for information on the case they'd been working on. The case that had left a suspect dead and her partner in the hospital.

She tried to concentrate on her task, but her thoughts kept drifting, distracting her. It had been a bad day. She'd been recited into Skinner's office were he had informed her about an upcoming investigation that would concentrate on the X-Files department. During the process of this evaluation both agents would be temporarily reassigned to other departments. A final hearing would decide about the possibility of a permanent shutdown of the X-Files department.

With a sigh Scully took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. She was tired. The investigation was something she felt they could deal with. They had faced these situations before. Mulder's methods of work were unusual and would be hard to defend, let alone explain, but it would have been manageable... under normal circumstances.

She bit her lip absentmindedly. A bad day indeed. Because the worst thing about this whole situation was that her partner didn't seem to care.

After the meeting with Skinner she'd wanted to talk to Mulder. She'd had to know more about the case they'd been working on, the man they'd been following and that had been shot. It had been one of Mulder's wild chases - he'd dragged her into this observation without really telling her why. She hadn't protested because to a certain degree she was used to it. Eventually he'd always come up with an explanation.

But this time she had to know the background of this case, had to know if it was justified. If she would be able to back him up during the hearing. So she'd gone back to the hospital to talk to Mulder.

When she'd arrived, she'd first talked to the doctor, and he'd told her that Mulder wasn't seriously hurt. He was conscious, and the tests had shown no signs of a trauma, although he'd behaved somewhat erratically - nothing new in dealing with Mulder, so Scully had just nodded.

But then she'd stepped into his room, and he'd turned his head... and his puzzled, blank look had shown her immediately that he *wasn't* okay. "Mulder...?" she'd said, struggling to keep her voice calm despite the feeling that tightened her throat.

And he'd looked at her, frowning slightly. "I know you, don't I?" he'd asked slowly. A simple question that had torn her heart out.

Scully closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then she went back to work. No matter how much it troubled her, now was not the time to get emotional.

 

*** *** ***

 

It was getting late when Fox Mulder found himself staring at his fish, lost in thought, scattering fish food into the water. Absentmindedly he watched Sparky and Spooky fight for the colorful flakes that kept drifting around like his thoughts. Suppressing a yawn, he rubbed his eyes, and that brought more distracting images.

After almost three months he still had no control over them. Pictures kept popping up in his head at the most inappropriate times, pictures that made no sense to him, no matter how hard he concentrated on them. Oh yes, he still knew about his job and his training, and everyone kept reassuring him that he was perfectly able to function as an agent. Yet he still couldn't recall any of the personal stuff of his life, although he'd been told about it. The facts were there, but they didn't touch him. Thinking about it was like sifting through one of his case files.

His case files. Scully, his pretty former partner, had been so certain that once he came in contact with the files that had occupied every minute of his life for so long, he would remember. It hadn't worked. They'd talked a few times about the cases they'd worked on, but it had done nothing to repair his memory. He considered it a strange job, and he wondered how he'd wound up doing it, but that was about all it meant to him. Nothing more, nothing to put his heart into.

He'd tried, and sometimes there were a few glimpses, but every time he felt like he could just reach out... gone.

What made him wonder was the fact that no one seemed to have the desire to talk to him about his private life. Oh, he'd spoken with Scully, but although she seemed to be concerned about him he always got the impression that she was reluctant to speak about anything regarding their non-professional relationship.

When he'd gone through his personal belongings, it had been a slight surprise to find nothing like an address book. Then again - why should someone with an eidetic memory keep an address book. He'd figured that sooner or later the people concerned would contact him.

If the people concerned consisted of three strange, breathtakingly paranoid men, his assumption had been right.

Since the short and uncomfortable time he'd spent with them, there had been no one else. At first he hadn't really noticed because he had been too busy with his work, with getting back into the routine. But one evening, one of many he'd spent alone in front of his TV, it suddenly began to dawn on him that there would be no other friends to contact him.

Mulder sighed, running a hand through his hair. His lack of a social life before he'd lost his memory was obvious. And frustrating. He really needed to do something about it.

"Yeah, right." he mocked himself while he dipped the tip of his index finger into the water, watching Sparky and Spooky get irritated. "Just like that." Tired he pulled back his hand, turned and left his happily feasting fish, heading for his bedroom.

 

*** *** ***

 

Somewhere in Washington, DC, someone else was thinking about Fox Mulder, someone who wasn't so sure how real his memory loss actually was. For the past two months, they had been busy watching the agents' every move. Because time was running out.

So a few phonecalls were made, possible actions discussed. And finally it was decided to do a little test.

 

*** *** ***

 

When Alex Krycek silently, uninvitedly, slipped into Mulder's apartment it was dark inside. He hadn't expected anything else. It was only after 10 p.m., and Mulder was almost never at home around this time of night. Good. So he would have some more time to think up the ghost of a plan.

As quietly as he had opened the door he slid it shut behind him; then he sneaked like a shadow down the hallway, moving slowly to give his eyes time to adjust to the twilight. Aside from the fact that he felt extremely uncomfortable for just being here he still hadn't the slightest idea what he would do when Mulder showed up. 'A test' the man had ordered, but he hadn't bothered to give him as much as a hint about what exactly he had in mind. Alex had been told to be creative and, above all, effective. Great. Highly detailed job description.

Krycek wasn't really sure who his new employer was and, more important, what he was up to. His contact had been a shadowy figure who had introduced himself only as X. He'd claimed to work in the best interest of all persons involved, and this seemed to include Mulder. But being on Mulder's side didn't necessarily define him as one of the 'good guys'. That lesson he'd learned before.

When X had first contacted him he'd nearly freaked out, only barely managing to control his panic at being discovered. By then he'd already been on the run for a few months, never staying long, only now and then taking an unobtrusive, underpaid job when he needed the money. Always leaving after a few weeks. Before someone got too close.

That X had been able to track him down in spite of Alex's efforts had been a shock. His first thought had been Cancer Man. His second that he was as good as dead.

Then X had offered him a job. Well, sort of. Threatened him into it after he'd thankfully declined was more like it. And he'd had to accept the assignment because X had made it perfectly clear that he couldn't really hide from him. He'd found him once, he could do it again anytime. And he wouldn't hesitate to hand Krycek over to the ones that were still chasing him.

Alex didn't doubt that, although he had a little more confidence in his ability to shake off his pursuers. But he was clever enough to know that he'd have no chance to escape if he tried to run right now, with X and - presumably - his men watching his every move. And he knew the damned tape he still had couldn't really protect him when things got downright tough.

X had offered to watch his back if he was cooperative, keep the hounds off his track, but Alex hadn't wasted a single thought or comment on that one. He didn't trust this man as far as he could spit. Krycek knew the other would hand him over without thinking twice to anyone who might want a piece of him when he wasn't useful to him anymore.

Krycek stopped beside the leather sofa in the living room (the one Mulder constantly used as a bed replacement...), for a moment lost in thought and trying without success to suppress the uneasiness he felt. He sat down on the worn-off couch and nervously slid his hand into the pocket of his jacket, his fingers curling around the reassuring weight of the gun. He really didn't want to be here, to get that close to Mulder again.

Hell, he'd killed Mulder's father. One act that couldn't be forgotten that easily. Alex had experienced Mulder's rage before. At that time only Scully's rather drastic interference had stopped her partner from killing him. It was simply dangerous for him to be around the agent, even if Mulder had indeed lost his memory. One corner of his mouth quirked up in a quick, sarcastic smile. Well, if someone found him dead tomorrow X would have his proof that Mulder's memory was as good as ever...

A sudden sound from one of the other rooms made Krycek jump. Heart beating rapidly against his chest he crossed the room, clasping the gun tight, using his other hand to push a long strand of nearly black hair out of his face. When he reached the bedroom door he froze and stared in amazement. He would never have expected Mulder already being at home. Or, more precisely, already being asleep, considering the problems he'd had with getting a decent amount of sleep when he'd been his partner.

For a few seconds Krycek just stood there, blinking and slightly confused. Then his attention shifted, and he suddenly realized that Mulder was nude under the thin sheet that covered his long legs and barely his groin, and his pulse jumped into his throat. Great, just great. Wasn't it enough that Mulder was already here? Why did he have to look so... inviting? At least that was what he would have considered the sleeping man's pose under different circumstances. He could feel his mind start to block all possibility of rational thought, and he was supposed to come up with a plan that would satisfy his employer!

As he realized that he'd involuntarily taken a step forward he nervously ran a hand through his hair. What was he doing? Swallowing heavily he went closer still and stared down at the sleeping man who looked somehow different than Krycek remembered. After a while he decided that Mulder seemed to have lost his somewhat haunted expression. He looked almost peaceful. Krycek watched him for a long moment. He'd never seen Mulder like this, so exquisitely relaxed. His gaze dropped to the man's full lips, slightly parted, and before he could control the impulse Alex found himself squatting beside the bed.

And when he looked up again, he was staring at a gun, pointed at his face. "Shit... man!" he cried out, reflexively scrambling backwards and losing his balance completely as he tried to get away from the gun.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" Mulder's astonishingly calm voice broke through the haze of sudden panic, and somehow he managed to fight his instincts, the urge to get up and run. The words told him that Mulder didn't know, that he was acting on instinct. Think, Alex!

"Christ, don't *do* that to me!" he managed to press through gritted teeth, running a hand across his face. He took a long breath, trying to calm down his racing heartbeat. "I mean, I know we didn't part on the best of terms, but *this*..."

He stopped and raised his eyes to meet Mulder's gaze, then furrowed his brows in pretended astonishment. "Wait a minute... Did you just ask me who I am...?" he asked slowly, somehow managing to fake surprise. He carefully watched Mulder, who was still keeping the gun aimed at his unexpected visitor, and at this moment Alex was struck down by an idea. The ultimate test. And his ticket to get out of this cursed situation. He tried to look hurt and found that the lie took little effort. "Oh my. You *really* don't remember me, do you...?"

"I'm sorry, I... I had an accident, and my memory's been playing havoc lately..." Mulder replied quietly. He raised one hand, his fingertips rubbing absentmindedly over the small scar just above his hairline that the 'accident' had left him. Questioningly he stared at the dark-clad young man. Black leather jacket and jeans and a dark gray, half-open shirt. Long strands of assumingly black hair that fell into his face as he bent a little forwards. Dark, beautiful eyes with long lashes any woman would kill for... He blinked, stunned by the way in which his mental description had suddenly gone. After a while he clicked back the safety catch on his gun and slowly put it down. Clearing his throat, he asked again: "So who are you?"

The opening Alex had hoped for. Moving slowly he pushed himself up on his feet again and moved forward until he could sit down on the bed beside Mulder, one hand slightly touching his hip. "Someone who missed you." Alex answered while he lowered his hand to let it rest on the other's chest. A blatant lie. Goosebumps crawled up his arms as their eyes met, and he struggled to keep his gaze steady. His mind and body language had adjusted all too easily to the role he'd chosen, but his eyes were a different matter, had always been. Tell-tale.

But Mulder didn't notice. He just inhaled sharply at the unexpected thrill that felt like the sparkling of electricity on his skin. Perplexed he stared at the strong but slender hand that touched him nearly caressingly, the fingertips slowly sliding down in a strange, almost possessive way. The feelings it aroused in him were more than startling, but just as he wanted to protest against the intimacy the stranger pulled his hand away and leaned back.

Closing his eyes Mulder breathed a few times before he looked up at the dark one again. His instincts were trying to tell him something, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. They'd been doing this to him for months now, and he was frankly tired of it. Some vague feeling told him the younger man had never been his lover. But still, there was something about him...

Suddenly he became all too aware of the fact that the young man was still very close to him. And that Mulder himself wore nothing under the sheet except a blush. A blush that kept spreading as he tried to pull up the sheet without being too obvious. The movement resulted in a little snicker from his uninvited guest. "I don't think this situation is very funny." he remarked, annoyed, embarrassed, clearing his throat as he noticed the amusement his futile attempt to get decent had caused.

"Actually, it is." Alex replied, surprised himself by the humor that had chosen this inappropriate moment to attack him, as quickly gone as it had shown up. He shrugged at Mulder's irritated expression and explained: "I mean, losing an eidetic memory - sounds kinda strange..."

Put that way it made Mulder... well, not exactly grin, but it certainly relaxed the atmosphere. "Yeah, guess it's really a little weird..." he admitted at last - and paused to stare at the handsome face that was suddenly startlingly close. He gulped and drew back to avoid the... the... whatever it was the other was planning to do. "Look, uh... we obviously have some catching up to do... maybe it'd be better to talk about this another time. Daytime, I mean." Some time he was *dressed*...

The man stared at him with a strangely tense expression, still leaning over him, still touching him. Then he straightened, very slowly, and after a long moment he nodded and replied calmly, his voice amazingly low: "You're right, it would be a bit too much right now." Mulder blinked and remained silent, trying to ignore the implicit sexual meaning the words held. Trying to ignore the velvet-like quality of that voice that sent a shiver down his neck. "Another time sounds fine to me. Would it be okay if I'd pick you up on, let's say, Friday, and take you out for lunch? For old time's sake, y'know."

Mulder was a bit stunned to be taken at his word so promptly. "Uh, I can't." he refused out of habit. "Got to work..."

Krycek cocked his eyebrow at him in mock amusement. "Aw, come on. When was the last time you took a day off?" he asked with an almost perfect pout.

Mulder started to answer, then hesitated, his lips still parted. "I honestly don't know." he finally confessed.

"Then it's settled. I'll pick you up on Friday." Krycek stated, and before Mulder could voice his protest he bent forward and brushed his lips briefly over the other's cheek. The action left Mulder speechless. His mouth went suddenly dry as the man met his gaze. "And I'm Alex. In case you don't remember."

With that he got up, leaving a very confused FBI agent behind. When he had nearly reached the door, Mulder found his voice again. "Alex." he called, clearing his throat. The younger man stopped dead and didn't move for a few heartbeats, his muscles tensing in a sudden wave of panic as he imagined the gun being drawn, being pointed at his back... Then he willed his body to relax and looked back at Mulder over his shoulder with a blank expression. "Um... just how close friends are we?"

The question was - among all the scenarios that had rushed through his mind - the last thing he'd have expected. It brought an almost painful relieve, making Alex grin again, and it was the sweetest smile Mulder had ever seen on another man's face. "You never asked me to return my set of keys." he answered before he went out.

 

*** *** ***

 

By the time Alex was out of the building and had reached his car he was trembling violently. When he tried to start the car his hands were shaking so badly he had to pause, his head leaned back against the head rest, his green eyes closed. He couldn't believe what had just happened, couldn't believe he'd come out of this confrontation unharmed. Inhaling deeply he tried to calm down and get his rapid pulse back to normal level.

Apparently Mulder wasn't faking his memory loss. The surprise and confusion in his expression when Alex had touched him had been real. Job done. Task fulfilled. Move on to next level, and thank you for participating.

He shook his head, opening his eyes again. His lips started to tremble as he remembered his offer to take Mulder out to lunch. Why, why had he started to improvise like that?! The words had been out of his mouth before he'd even realized it. The annoying little voice in the back of his head that always seemed to know so well what he was doing wrong had screamed in protest, but he'd refused to listen to rational thought. Because it had felt so damned good. Because some deeply fucked up part of him had really enjoyed flirting with Mulder.

"Shit." he muttered under his breath, teeth clenched. "Shit. Shit. Shit." With each word he hit his palms against the steering wheel, and when he finally stopped he felt as exhausted as if he'd run a mile. After a few seconds Alex leaned again back in his seat, deliberately forcing his breathing to slow down. It took him a long time.

 

*** *** ***

 

When Alex woke it was neither the slow way he used to drift out of sleep normally nor the jerking out of a nightmare that he'd come to experience more often during the last months. He just opened his eyes and was suddenly wide awake, staring at the cracks that ran through the ceiling of his apartment. For a long time he didn't move.

The dream was still lingering, intensely erotic images flashing through his mind vividly enough to keep his breathing a little ragged. Strange. He remembered he'd dreamed that way a few times but that had been a long time ago. Way, way back, when he'd still been a freshman, been assigned to spy on his partner. Ages ago.

Alex sat up, running a hand through the damp strands of his sweat-soaked hair. He pushed the sheet back, and the cool night air hit him, making him shiver and effectively driving the last clouds of sleep from his mind. He reached for the lamp on the close-to-collapsing nightstand, then remembered that it was broken since he'd moved in and he hadn't yet found the energy to replace it. The only other source of light was the bare bulb dangling from the ceiling, and he was sure he couldn't stand the glaring light right now. The room was bright enough anyway, illuminated by a flickering, purplish light from a neon sign, frequently blazing up over the entrance of some night club right across the street.

He took a deep breath, still caught in the dream that had stirred something inside him that he'd thought long lost. Since the night he'd begun to run for his life there had been no room for something else on his mind except the need to survive. And there had never been a dream like this one before, vivid and overwhelmingly intense. For just a few seconds it had made him feel almost alive again. His muscles tensed as his body reacted to the conjured images he couldn't bear right now, and he spun around and switched the light bulb on.

The sudden blazing brightness made his eyes water, and he rubbed his stubbled face with a moan. As his eyes adjusted to the light the sparse interior almost made him wish for a more gentle illumination.

The so-called apartment was in dire need of... well, nearly everything, beginning with a new paintjob that would have done miracles to the once-white walls, now covered with cracks and a few well-placed stains of dubious origins. There wasn't much else except for the bed with the creaking metal frame, a closet that was in no better condition than the nightstand and... oh yes, he'd nearly forgotten the phone he'd never used because there was no one to call.

This room, a little bathroom and a kitchen that seemed even tinier. It was worse than the ones he'd had before. Not really in a physical way, but because he was tired. Tired of lousy rooms and lousy jobs and lousy people that changed every few weeks and still remained the same somehow.

He closed his still burning eyes and took a deep breath. It was hard, so hard to keep his sanity through all of this. Especially at moments like this when his thoughts whirled through his head, like a storm ravaging the landscape of his mind, leaving him shattered and wounded, without an anchor to keep him bound to reality.

After a while he raised his head, opening his eyes as if snapping out of some kind of trance; then he went over to the closet to put on a loose shirt. For a few seconds he stood leaning against the closet, his arms braced against the dark, stained wood, but soon he pushed himself up again, a strange restlessness forcing him to move. His bare feet made almost no sound on the raw wood of the floor as he began pacing back and forth along an invisible line. He moved slowly, despite the energy burning in his body, almost eating him up. More and more he started to feel like a caged tiger, and he wanted to run, wanted it more desperately than anything else in his life...

When the first timid rays of sunlight began to battle the harsh neon light Alex stopped his restless movement in front of the window. His hands braced against the windowsill, he stared outside for a long time, watching the sunrise. He tried to remember the last time he'd really enjoyed a sunrise and found no answer. Lately they just seemed... shallow in a strange way, as if there was somehow no color left, nothing to excite him anymore.

What now? His life was in shambles around him. He'd done the job X had forced on him, but what would happen next? Was he back on the run? Or would he continue to work for X? He sure didn't want to, but maybe he'd have no choice in that matter...

He shook his head, straightening. No. There was always a choice, always another option to be considered. He would find it, had to find it... If only he could get his scattered thoughts back under control. Taking a deep breath, he rubbed a thumb over his closed eyes.

Thinking had become so hard lately. He'd gotten used to relying solely on his instincts, running when he had to and standing his ground only when he was forced to. And as long as it was a simple reacting instead of acting, his mind worked just fine.

Rest. He needed a rest, some place where he could forget about all the shit in his life, if only for a little while. Some place safe... or someone...

His pulse jumped to his throat for no apparent reason. The only possibility, the only one that came to mind, was the one that would kill him with infinite pleasure... if his memories were intact, that is. Alex shivered, shaking his head almost violently to get the idea out of his head.

No, no, no! No way was he going back to Mulder's, not in a lifetime! He'd acted foolish before, more often than he cared to remember, but he'd never been downright suicidal! It was simply dangerous. Even if Mulder didn't regain his memory - maybe he'd talked to someone from the Bureau about Alex's visit. Maybe... maybe he'd...

And then he recalled the way Mulder had looked at him, and how it had made him feel, almost like being in control of the situation. Yes, he'd improvised in a dangerous, even careless way, but for the first time in months he had acted again.

The half-formed thought was interrupted by a shrill noise. Confused Alex turned his head to stare at the telephone that screamed at him. Nobody knew this number.

The phone continued to ring, and with each tone Alex's heart began to beat a little faster. Maybe someone had just dialed the wrong number. Another ring, and it was echoed by a slow pounding he felt in his temples, a pounding that he could literally feel turning into a headache. The jarring sound of the phone seemed to grow louder, like the rhythm of the drums inside his head, and finally he couldn't stand it anymore.

He spun around, barely taking the time to wrestle into his jeans and shoes; then he grabbed his jacket and headed straight towards the door. He had to get out of here. Now.

 

*** *** ***

 

Scully finished reading the report she'd received this morning, then closed the folder with a frown, wondering what Mulder might make out of this. She was so lost in thought that she was already up and halfway out of her office before she realized it wouldn't be that easy. They were no longer partners, she couldn't just burst into his office and ask for his opinion... She paused for a second, running a hand through her hair as she tried to fight down the harsh disappointment she felt. Then, taking a deep breath, she made a decision and resumed her path. Yes, she could. This was important, and they were running out of time. He had to know about it before the hearing.

The hearing. She pushed back her red hair thoughtfully. She still didn't know what to tell them. Because her partner still had no recollection of their work. Of their partnership. She knew that if he would talk to the committee in his present condition, it would be over, once and for all.

The preliminary hearing had been bad enough. It had confirmed the temporary reassignment of both agents until the committee came to a final conclusion about their work. Scully had protested, but Mulder hadn't. He'd acted as if it was okay. Just a job.

It had taken all her powers of persuasion to convince them to postpone the final hearing. After a lengthy discussion they'd agreed that Mulder without his memory was useless to this investigation. Scully had none of Mulder's information, so they would need his statement and a report regarding this case, regarding the man he'd shot, and so they'd given him some time to recover, to regain his memory. A delay at least.

After that, they'd no longer seen each other. Even before they hadn't socialized that much aside from their work, just an occasional drink or evening in front of the TV. Now he didn't even ask her out on a coffee.

Soon she'd realized that this was the worst part. Over the time they'd built up a strong friendship aside from their professional relationship that seemed to be completely gone now. She would have entrusted him her life before. Now she was no longer entirely sure.

It wasn't like the first time they'd shut them down. They'd still seen each other then, although not very often, but always careful to attract no attention, to keep their meetings unnoticed by others. Now... When they met now, he treated her polite and nicely. No thoughts about someone watching them. He just didn't care the way he did before. And very soon Scully had started to miss his former self.

She'd worked deep down in the pathology lab. She'd watched, and she'd waited, and she'd done her own research. And on some nights - more often than she cared to admit - she'd found herself taking Queequeg on a walk that eventually led her to Mulder's apartment building. Missing him more than she'd thought possible. And once, only once, she'd woken up and discovered to her amazement that she was crying.

When she reached the headachingly busy Violent Crimes Department, Scully was pulled out of her thoughts abruptly. For a few moments she was stunned, almost ready to turn around and forget about her original intention. After her years with the X-Files Division and her more recent work in the pathology lab she was no longer used to the frantic and noisy activity she encountered here. She worked her way through yelling agents and shrilling telephones to the desk at the back of the room that she knew belonged to Mulder.

It was a small desk, and of course it was piled high with a well-structured chaos of folders, books, and newspapers. Nothing as simple as plain messy - Scully knew that he'd be able to find anything with one flick of the wrist. She looked down at his desk with a strange feeling tightening her throat.

Two months of Violent Crimes, and Mulder's arrest record was incredible. For once they'd gotten an indication of what sort of agent he would have been if he hadn't been so distracted by his obsession. Brilliant. She stared at the small nameplate that read 'Fox W. Mulder', nearly buried under his paperwork, and she wondered if it felt like a temporary solution to him, too. If he liked his work. And if he would continue to like it when his memory returned...

"Can I help you?" The female voice startled Scully, shattering her musings abruptly. She turned to find a dark-haired secretary in her early twenties eye her.

"Yes, I'm looking for Agent Mulder. Could you tell me when he'll be back?"

"Not today. Agent Mulder called in and asked for a short leave."

For a few heartbeats Scully just stared at the woman. "Why? Is he sick?" she asked, remembering all too well the many times he'd rushed off on his own, leaving her behind, and she wondered if it was one of these situations again.

"No. He just took a day off." the secretary answered, then continued with a slight smile: "'Recreational purposes', that's what he called it."

"Oh. Thank you." With a curt nod the woman turned and rushed back to her work. Scully blinked, trying to ignore the short sting of pain the secretary's words had caused. A day off, just like that. She shook her head as she recalled the numerous times she'd fought with him and his obsessive nature in the past, when she'd had to use almost force to keep him at home, even for a few days.

It hurt, and it hurt even more because he wasn't on one of his wild chases. It hurt that he no longer seemed to need her. Not even to take care of him.

And then, suddenly, unexpectedly, true realization hit her, and for a second she had to fight to keep her expression under tight control until she was out of the room. Of course he wasn't acting like the man she knew, the man she used to trust. Because he no longer was this man. And maybe he would never be again.

 

*** *** ***

 

'And what the hell do you think you're doing *here*?' the know-all voice inside Alex's head asked, a little tired, a little worked up. He ignored the voice, just continued to stare at the metal '42' right in front of him as though he'd never seen it before. Absentmindedly he watched himself raise a hand to knock. Then he stood there, exhausted, waiting, soaking wet from the rain that had surprised him. He pushed his dripping bang out of his eyes and wearily rubbed the wetness from his face while he waited.

When Mulder opened the door it startled him to see Alex's tall figure lean against the door frame, as if he hadn't really expected him to keep the date. As if he'd hoped he wouldn't. "Hi." he managed to get out after a few seconds, nervously running a hand through his unruly hair. "Uh, come in." He stepped aside to let the younger man in while he scanned him out of habit with a quick glance, taking in the other's soaked clothing - mostly black again - and dripping hair. "You're wet."

"Yeah. It's raining." Alex replied dryly (pardon the expression...), turning his head slightly to give Mulder a long look that made the older man hold his breath. Those damn intense eyes... not brown, as his memory had assured him, but of a strange green, long-lashed, strong emotions burning somewhere deep inside them. Then he turned to stroll into the living room while Mulder closed the door with a mental sigh. "You got a towel?"

Mulder leaned against the door, his forehead touching the wood, and he took a few deep breaths before he answered the question. "Sure." He vanished into the bathroom momentarily, then followed Alex into the living room, throwing a towel that the younger man caught in a fluid movement. As he watched Alex peel out of his wet jacket and then settle down on the couch, beginning to rub his hair, something other jumped to his mind. "I thought you had a key." he asked with a slight frown, unconsciously falling into his best interrogation mode.

Alex, his elbows resting on his parted knees, took the towel off and turned his head to look at him through still-damp strands of hair that fell into his face like a strange sort of veil. "I do. But I've also got some manners." he answered after a while.

"Oh." Mulder's face took on a sheepish expression, and again he pushed back his brown hair; his fingertips stayed there for a moment, rubbing the base of his neck. "Do you want something... to drink?"

The tiny pause didn't escape Alex, and he couldn't help but smile. He sensed Mulder's uncertainty as if it were visible, and he knew exactly how his ex-partner felt. He felt a bit awkward himself, but he'd long since learned to hide his own doubts perfectly behind a mask of radiant self-confidence.

Realizing the other man was still waiting for an answer, he pulled himself together. "No, thank you." he replied therefore while he continued to rub at his hair that seemed to resist his efforts stubbornly; noticing the other's look he forced the corners of his mouth up into an expression that was supposed to be somewhat reassuring. "For the time being, I'm just fine."

Mulder nodded. Unsure about what to do next he watched his visitor cautiously, curiously. Seeing the handsome man settled comfortably on his couch was astonishingly disturbing, and he couldn't decide whether he should do something (like pretend to be a good host) or give in to the impulse and just watch the other for a while. Their eyes met, and he blinked. For just a heartbeat Alex had looked so utterly familiar that he involuntarily held his breath.

While he stood and stared he noticed slightly irritated that Alex had taken the liberty to watch him, too. The intense look on his face made Mulder's skin crawl with some eerie felling halfway between pleasure and discomfort. And then he suddenly realized that he was wearing only his bluejeans, a fact that wouldn't have bothered him under normal circumstances, but Alex's obviously appreciating gaze traveling over his shoulders and down his chest made him feel stark naked. He cleared his throat.

"Um, you're early. Kind of. I mean, for lunch." Smart, Mulder, really smart. Any more of those witticisms handy?! "So if you don't mind, I'll... continue getting dressed..." he suggested, feeling a little out of focus.

Alex looked up to meet his eyes, again with a devastating result to Mulder's emotional balance. "Actually, I do mind. But go on."

Crossing his arms in front of his chest, Mulder sighed. "I wish you'd stop that." he said, his head tilted to the side.

"Stop what?" Alex asked, showing his best innocent expression. Mulder simply raised an accusing eyebrow at him, and after a short moment the younger man raised his hands, palms up. "Hearkening and Obedience, master." The eyebrow went higher. "Okay, okay! I'll try."

"Thank you." Mulder appreciated with a mock bow, then went back to the bedroom where he got dressed to restore his mental well being.

Alex's eyes followed him, and as the other was out of the room he slowly breathed out. 'You. Are. Insane!' The voice of reason was back, slapping his face to get his attention, screaming at him to get up, get out of this room and run as fast as he could, and it took all of his willpower to remain seated.

He still wondered what the hell had driven him here. It was like the proverbial bearding the lion in his den, with the constant threat of Mulder's maybe-returning memory hanging over his head. Until now he hadn't managed to determine if his being here was based on courage - or mere idiocy. Right at this moment he tended to favor the latter. The thought brought him out of his seat, his nervousness now getting the better of him.

He felt his pulse beat in a staccato rhythm against his temples, and, looking down, he found his hands had cramped around the towel. He stared down at his fingers, willing them one by one to unclench until he managed to throw the damp fabric away.

He had to get a grip on himself before Mulder returned, for heaven's sake! So far he'd succeeded in keeping his cool exterior under control, but he felt like it was only a matter of time until he slipped.

In an attempt to relax he started to look around, and he was surprised at how easily his FBI-training seemed to kick in. 'Look for details, no matter how insignificant they may seem, and memorize them.' he heard the voice of his instructor at the Academy like a faint whisper, and he realized that it was just what he was doing right now. How did that saying go about old habits being hard to break...? He pushed the thought away forcefully and took the opportunity of broad daylight to examine the room more closely.

On the first look Mulder's apartment hadn't changed that much since the time he'd been his partner. It still seemed like a mere extension of his office, with every available inch of tables or boards piled high with files, books, newspaper articles, and here and there a strategically placed coffee mug, although his superficial examination showed him that a lot of the UFO-related stuff seemed to be gone. It was still a mess, but no longer a supernatural chaos. Another indication for his salutary memory loss.

While Alex was investigating, Mulder was busy rummaging through his choice of clothes, and finally he decided on a wine red sports shirt. After he'd pulled it on he stopped briefly to examine himself in the mirror. He saw a tall, slender man with a well-defined body and handsome face... and hopelessly ruffled brown hair, he noticed with a grimace. He sighed at his mirror image.

It was still strange to look at a face he didn't quite remember. He'd gotten used to it during the past few weeks, but it still gave him an uncanny feeling now and then. With a mental shrug he stuffed the shirt into his jeans, then grabbed his black leather jacket.

When he came back into the living room he felt a little more secure, more in control of the situation, but that feeling vanished all of a sudden when he saw Alex stand beside the TV, staring at a videocassette in his hand with one eyebrow raised. Mulder nearly groaned; obviously the younger man had stumbled right over his extensive porn collection. He'd been quite embarrassed himself when he'd first discovered it - he'd never imagined himself being the type of guy who'd watch this... stuff...

When Alex heard him come in he shot him a quick glance. "'Nymphomaniacs From Mars'?" he asked, one eyebrow raised. "I've always known your taste is kind of weird, but *this*..."

Mulder's skin darkened at the teasing words - a feeling he didn't like at all, and he found he reacted with a certain aggressiveness to it. He knew Alex wasn't really waiting for an answer, but nevertheless he felt obliged to take his turn in the 'Who, me?'-contest. "I have absolutely no idea where *these* came from." he stated through gritted teeth.

His tenseness was lost on the younger man. "Thought so." Alex remarked nonchalantly while putting the tape back on the pile.

With a moan Mulder rubbed his eyes, his anger draining away and leaving frustration behind. God, this was going straight down the drain! He wasn't used to being hit at, especially not by another man (well - at least he *thought* he wasn't...), and until now he wasn't handling the situation too well. Nervous and a little worked up he ran a hand through his hair. "I bet by now you've come to the conclusion that I'm a total jerk." he murmured, his face still slightly flushed.

Alex looked at him, his near-smirk gradually turning down until only a slight smile remained, a tiny smile that held a hint of caress, a strange tenderness. It shouldn't matter to him. He really shouldn't care that... that it seemed to be important to Mulder what Alex thought about him.

But it did matter, he realized suddenly, painfully. It did matter, and somehow it changed the way he was seeing this situation himself. Extreme possibilities, in every sense of the word, and no past, only the future to look upon. Like a new beginning, for both of them.

He took a few steps towards Mulder until they were only a few inches apart. He saw the look in the other's eyes, and he knew it would be easy to use him, even hurt him. Wouldn't be the first time. "Don't worry." he replied softly, and his warm green eyes held a startling intensity as he did so. "I know you're not." With that he turned around and grabbed his jacket, leaving Mulder slightly dizzy and his emotions turned upside down all of a sudden. Easy, but not tempting.

After a few deep breaths Mulder cleared his throat. "So." he began at last. "You've got any special plans?" he asked while he went out, waiting for Alex to catch up.

"Oh, you mean like taking you to some little motel and screwing you into unconsciousness...?" The younger man's question came out so casually that it took Mulder a few seconds to grip the meaning. When he realized what exactly Alex had just said he gulped, the key in his hand forgotten. When Alex met his wide-eyed, openmouthed stare he chuckled. "Relax." he said calmly. "Actually, I thought more about a little seafood place about an hour north. They serve great mussels, and their shrimps are simply to die for."

His words made Mulder's expression go through several quick changes. Eventually he seemed to settle for relief, written so clearly across his face that Alex had to concentrate hard to keep his expression blank. But when he turned towards the elevator, his face hidden from the agent, the corners of his mouth quirked up into a smile. 'First the food.' he thought, torn between a good deal of uncertainty and a darker shadow he didn't want to look at right now. 'The motel's for later...'

 

*** *** ***

 

Alex leaned back in his chair, wiping his hands on a paper napkin, noticing that Mulder nearly mirrored his satisfied, relaxed pose. "Well, you seem to like seafood." he commented.

"Apparently." Mulder replied, licking his lips lazily and - from Alex's point of view -in an unintended, but nevertheless extremely erotic way.

He hadn't been sure whether he liked seafood or not, so they had started to order a little bit of everything right down the menu. (Except fish - Mulder's memory had been quite specific about *that*...) He'd liked the shrimps, served without flatware, but with half a dozen different spicy dips, and enjoyed the mussels in hot cream sauce, although he'd been a bit suspicious about the oysters Alex had ordered with a perfectly innocent expression. True, they were good, but Mulder quickly came to the definite conclusion that their reputation for being an aphrodisiac was well-earned. Even before he'd taken the first mouthful he couldn't help but gaze at his companion with a slightly quickening heartbeat. Never, he decided long before he was finished, never ever have oysters with someone you don't intend to end up in bed with. As soon as the first one slides down your throat you'll inevitably start to speculate about your opposite - regardless what gender - in a very sexual way...

In fact the whole atmosphere of the restaurant added to the slowly increasing confusion that seemed to play havoc with his fogged senses. He hadn't quite expected this sort of small and cozy place which reminded him in an odd way of the Pirate's Lounge on 'Love Boat'. (The very thought made him kiss his taste in TV-shows good-bye...) It was dark, cuddly, and very sensual. Perfect for lovers or hidden drug deals.

Having to eat the shrimps with his bare fingers, the unfamiliarity of cracking open the shell and sucking out the white flesh, didn't help either. Even worse was watching Alex who had a strange way of licking some spilled dip sauce from his long, slender fingers that made Mulder's head swirl with vague visions of long, hot nights spend between black satin sheets.

Deeply disturbed by the direction in which his thoughts were drifting, he reached for his glass again and took another gulp, only to remember that it was his second glass of wine already. Briefly he wondered if his body was good at taking alcohol as the sweet liquid poured down his throat, doing absolutely nothing to clear his mind. With a slow frown he licked his lips.

Perhaps it was time for him to admit that he enjoyed the younger man's company. More than he'd expected. The awkwardness he had felt in his apartment was still there, but had subsided to a slight unease now and then. There hadn't been as much of the uncomfortable silences he'd half expected; instead they'd had some quite fascinating and in-depth discussions, with topics ranging from art and literature down to the latest tendencies in cinema and government, and Fox was quite proud of himself for not once talking about his job. They'd discovered they shared the same taste in books, though definitely not in music, and they'd somehow managed to break into quite an argument about 'Pulp Fiction' (although later they had a little difficulty recalling which one favored the film and who hated it...). After an astonishingly short time Alex's company felt nearly familiar to him, and he found it easy to believe that they had been friends. And that Alex missed their time together.

Slowly breathing out, Fox lifted his glass again, this time taking only a sip. He met Alex's green-eyed gaze; only this time he didn't bring up the energy to look away, and he felt himself being drawn into the depths of those long-lashed eyes. His pulse quickened at the intensity he saw. He'd never been so close to... losing himself...

Suddenly he jerked out of his near-trance, clearing his throat. Yes, he liked Alex, but there were still a few points they hadn't even scratched during their conversation. And he couldn't get rid of the near-certainty that those points were the reason for the nagging feeling that still tugged at the edges of his memory. He had to know. "Alex." he said suddenly. "I still don't know... how exactly did we meet?"

Now it was Alex's time to avoid the other's gaze, his heart suddenly beating in his throat. He'd known this would be coming - the inevitable questions about their past. Alas, he hadn't wasted much thought about what he would tell Mulder and instead hoped for his almost legendary spontaneity to take over. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Now that it was 'confession time' he felt absolutely blank.

"Um. There have been a few... misunderstandings, and we... we didn't actually part on the best of terms." he managed to get out at last, nervously pushing back his hair and wondering about his choice of words. No lie, but still far away from the truth. "Maybe it would be best to... maybe we could just..."

He broke off, his eyes fixed on some point near Mulder's throat - looking at him without really seeing him. He knew Fox was staring at him, could almost feel the impatience radiating from him, but Alex wasn't able to continue. He blinked numbly.

Mulder stared at him, more than a little curious. Clearly the other man didn't want to talk about their past, and that alone raised Mulder's suspicion. But he forced himself to turn down the FBI-mode. Until now Alex had given him no indication that he was one of 'the bad guys'. The way he behaved and talked to him, they had been close friends, not... Somewhere in his head the word 'enemies' popped up, but he immediately dismissed the thought as ridiculous. It was much more likely that they'd just had a personal disagreement, a fight of some sorts. Maybe one of them had cheated...

Facing Alex, he tilted his head to the side, deliberately ignoring his last thought. "You don't want to talk about it." He watched the younger man carefully, saw the handsome face harden at his words. His own eyes narrowed a bit; nevertheless he continued. "Was it that unpleasant?" Alex's eyes darted up to meet his in a mixture of suspicion and panic, but he remained silent. Mulder inhaled, leaning back in his seat. "Okay, Alex. I'll drop it, for now. But I still want to know about it. Later." - 'And the next time I won't be that easy on you...'

The words sent a rush of relief through Alex that showed all too obviously on his face, and without realizing it, he gave Mulder that dazzling smile again. The older man stared at him, fascinated, as he reached across the table and touched Mulder's hand languorously, slowly sliding his fingertips over his wrist and upturned palm. "On the other hand - maybe we *should* think about a way to refresh your memory."

God, that *voice!* Low and husky, like pure velvet brushing against his skin... Fox felt a shiver race up his arm and down his spine, and although he knew the other had already sensed his reaction, he pulled his hand away in a quick jerk. "Alex... ah... I don't know how to say this without being blunt but...", he took a deep breath, then continued: "I just don't want to end up in bed with you."

There. It was said. No more misunderstandings, his feelings laid out plain and simple. So why did he feel like he'd just drowned a bag of kittens?

He expected Alex to get mad at him, but when he looked up he saw only a slightly puzzled expression, dark brows drawn together, lost in thought about his words. "Not with me in particular, or not with another guy?" he finally asked calmly, his expression now seemingly under tight control.

Mulder was a bit taken aback by this question, but he knew the answer meant a lot to the younger man. So he considered both variants long and carefully before he replied: "Not with someone I don't really know."

His words were a surprise to both of them, and Alex blinked. He'd always expected honesty from the straightforward Mulder, but this... was unexpected. And disturbing.

Suddenly his mind recalled how Mulder had reacted to his presence, his touch, his words. His eyes widened a little as he realized that the game, the playful teasing that had been intended only to support his cover, had somehow - without him noticing it - become more, something he hadn't reckoned with.

He stared down at his hands, long fingers entwined to keep them from twitching nervously. This was no longer a game. But how far would Mulder allow him to go? How far did he *want* to go?

"I can deal with that." he stated after he'd thought about Mulder's words for a while. The somewhat ambiguous reply made the other man snort, and Alex quickly leaned across the table, his hand closing over the other's fingers, not letting go despite the resistance he met. "Fox, this is serious, we have to talk about it. No, don't pull your hand away, *listen* to me!" he hissed with a sudden intensity, and after a few seconds Mulder ceased his struggle to free his hand and instead leaned back with a sigh, finally allowing his gaze to meet Alex's mesmerizing eyes. Alex nodded with satisfaction, and his touch lost his hard edge and remained as a light, but firm presence. "Now. This isn't about sex. Don't you look at me like that, I mean it! When I told you I missed you I wasn't talking about your cock!"

Mulder stared at him with an almost blank expression, trying very hard not to voice the sarcastic quip that burned his tongue until Alex shrugged. "Yes, I'd love to, but it's not the issue. If you don't want that, I *can* deal with it." He paused, carefully studying the other's expression, and finally decided on a new approach. "Did you have fun today?"

"Yes, but..."

"No restrictions, just a plain answer. Did you enjoy our date so far?" he interrupted harshly. Briefly he wondered what the hell he was doing here. 'Back off! Get out of here as fast as you can!' some voice inside his head screamed. 'Before you get involved...' - 'Too late for that.' his instincts replied with brutal frankness. Not wanting to deal with this right now, he concentrated on Mulder instead.

The question had obviously aroused a conflict of emotions, and it took Fox a while to sort through his true feelings, separate them from... from what? Social standards? Conditioned reflexes? Eventually he looked at Alex and took a deep breath, his tongue flicking out to moisten his suddenly dry lips. "Yes, I did." he admitted quietly.

Alex nodded, silently acknowledging the effort it took the other to speak about this. It was never easy. Neither the topic nor Mulder. "Me, too. I like being with you." - 'More than I should...' - "*That's* what I've missed. Someone I can talk to. Someone..." He bit his lip just before the 'trustworthy' slipped out. It would have sounded ridiculous coming out of his mouth.

His own words felt like a knife cutting into his heart, and he had to fight hard to keep his expression under control. To keep from screaming. The closest thing to a friend he'd literally had in years. The thought made him shiver.

Again he looked up into Mulder's green eyes that watched him with suddenly unfathomable calm. He leaned forward, closing the distance between them, and as he forced himself to continue, his voice was suddenly back to that low, caressing quality. "You now damn well what I'd like to do with you." he said silently and watched Mulder shift in his seat uncomfortably. It took him a great effort to keep his voice steady. Somehow he managed. "But if all you're offering is friendship I'll accept it. Gladly."

Mulder watched him, fascinated by the way some indefinable emotion played across the other's face as he waited for an answer, a tell-tale and yet unreadable expression that Alex obviously wasn't aware of. His instincts told him the younger man was telling the truth, and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. Until now his attitude towards Alex had been clear - keep him out of his pants. Now that he was offering a mere friendship without the constant and irritating implication of a more physical relationship... He should have been relieved.

Making up a decision, he leaned forward again. "My friendship's yours. Gladly." he said with a faint smile that was as quickly gone as it had shown up. Then his gaze dropped to their still joined hands. "About the sex..."

In response Alex raised both his hands, fingers spread. "Relax, Mr. Mulder, I'm perfectly able to control myself. I won't jump on you." he said. For a few moments, he just watched the older man. Then, without thinking, he added very quietly: "I just hope someday you'll stop flinching whenever I touch you."

The barely audible words sent a sudden rush of heat surging through Mulder, who fought hard to keep his composure. He'd done it to him again. Why was he reacting so easily, so strongly to Alex's presence? What the hell had happened between them to enable Alex to turn his emotions upside down with just a few words?!

And suddenly he knew that - even though he still didn't *remember* him - he *knew* the young man, felt some strange familiarity that stayed just out of reach on the edge of his memory, teasing him with almost agonizing inaccessibility.

He jerked out of his drifting thoughts when Alex spoke again. "Well, now that we've got that settled - don't you have to go back to work?" he asked in an intentionally casual tone, long-lashed eyelids lowered, eyes fixed on his hands again. He didn't want to hear that answer, no sir. His heart thumped almost painfully in his throat.

Mulder on the other hand realized that Alex had just offered him a loophole for retreat, a chance to end this date without another embarrassing situation. He watched the other's face - blank, his emotions carefully hidden, his jaw set. He realized what the gesture must have cost Alex, and it made the decision easier for him.

"Nope." he replied and leaned back in his seat, deliberately choosing a relaxed pose. He stretched his arms, then clasped his fingers at the back of his neck. "I took a day off." His answer was rewarded by a brilliant smile.

 

*** *** ***

 

When Alex threw his head back in full-throated laughter Mulder watched him in stunned amazement. For just a second he was absolutely sure he'd never seen the younger man do *that* before. Then the uncanny feeling of anti-deja vú vanished as quickly as it had jumped him, and before he knew it he started to giggle himself, responding to Alex's contagious laughter - and the three rounds in the bumper car that had left him extremely giddy.

On the way back into the city they'd stumbled across a fun fair, and spontaneously Fox had asked his companion to spend the rest of the day here.

It should have been relaxing, just the right thing to ease up the tension between them, but Mulder had rejected all suggestions of old-fashioned family entertainment like a roller coaster ride, the Ferris wheel or the ghost train. Only when they'd run into the dodgem, Mulder had suddenly started to fool around - he'd pulled out his identity card, and Alex had barely managed to keep him from 'confiscating' one of the cars.

"Another run?" Mulder now asked innocently, and Alex shook his head in protest, still shaking with laughter. He climbed out of the car with weak knees and barely able to stand.

"Remind me to never ever let you drive again when you're drunk!"

"I'm not drunk!" Mulder protested pouting.

"Yeah, right." Alex deadpanned. "And I'm a voluptuous blonde."

Mulder stopped dead in his tracks, eyebrows rising in pretended shock. "Good Lord. I must've had a lot more of that wine than I remember..." Their eyes locked for a second, and then they lost control in an almost violent outburst of laughter that even drew the attention of the crowd around them. Gasping for air, Mulder finally leaned against the wall of one of the stands, holding his belly. Alex stood beside him, bracing his weight on one arm, and when their eyes met again his giddiness subsided to a slight smile.

A sudden rush of tenderness made Alex raise his hand and touch Mulder's cheek lightly, only barely brushing his fingertips over the slightly stubbled skin. Fox stared at him, but didn't move away until Alex's thumb softly trailed the corners of his mouth.

Mulder gulped and backed away as the younger man leaned closer. "Cotton candy?" he offered in an attempt to escape the caress. "I'll buy!" With that he scurried away to another stand.

He heard Alex sigh just before he was out of reach, and he could have slapped himself. He knew he was once again running away from the rapidly forming closeness he felt towards Alex, but he just couldn't help it. This strange friendship scared and comforted him at the same time. Alex's offer to keep it platonic should have made it easier, but astonishingly quite the opposite had happened. Now that the choice was his alone he could no longer blame Alex for his turmoil of emotions.

With a silent moan he rubbed his eyes. He would have to deal with this feelings sooner or later. But not now... just not right now...

When Mulder returned with a stick of disgustingly pink cotton candy in each hand he didn't see Alex right away, and for a second he felt a bit misplaced. Then he spotted the younger man down the way at the shooting gallery and strolled in the same direction, carefully avoiding being run down by a pair of screaming kids.

When he leaned beside him against the railing, Alex didn't look up, although Mulder knew he'd been noticed. While he waited patiently he felt strange all of a sudden, tense and watchful without knowing why. Watching the dark-clad man inspired his instincts to odd behavior again, and seeing the strong, slender hands holding the rifle made his mind - metaphorically spoken - itch. Long fingers wrapped around...

The first shot made him start, pulled him brutally out of the slowly forming remembrance and brought his gaze roughly up to the back wall of the gallery, then back to Alex's face. The next shot. Again a direct hit. Concentration written all over the younger one's face, his jaw set while at the same time his muscles seemed to be utterly relaxed. Obviously a lot of experience with weapons. A trained marksman?

"I'm impressed." Mulder stated when Alex had finished without a miss. The dark-haired shrugged casually while he eyed the traditional collection of stuffed toys he'd been offered. Finally he picked a fluffy tiger.

"Just a lot of practice. Like most of my talents." The sly smile added a certain ambiguity to his words as Alex took his portion of cotton candy. After a few steps and a mouthful of the sweet weave he looked at the plush tiger, then shoved it towards Mulder. "Here. I think this one's calling your name..."

The agent - still lost in his observations - lifted the little tiger and stared at it, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. It was made like a stalking cub, tail straight up into the air, yellow eyes fixed on an invisible prey. Just a touch too cute. Like pink cotton candy. "You're sure?" he asked doubtful, then tilted his head and tried another perspective. "I mean, wouldn't a fox be more appropriate?" He made a face and looked at the cotton candy in distraction. "Yeucch! I can't believe I devoured this stuff in heaps when I was a kid! Does your sugar tolerance decrease when you grow up?!"

He grimaced, then quickly disposed of the too sweet candy in a waste basket. Alex followed his example before he came close to him again. His fingertips touched the tiger, at the same time brushing ever so lightly over Mulder's skin when he answered to the first question. "Actually I think he looks more like me, don't you think? Something to remind you of me when I'm not there." He looked at the older man with eyes that were all of a sudden amazingly dark. Something incredibly intense seemed to seethe deep inside him, and Mulder found himself mesmerized, unable to look away. Suddenly Alex's voice was low, sultry, and very, very soft. "If I can't get into your bed... maybe I can get into your heart..."

Fox's heart raced at the soft touch, the tempting words, and he felt his body react all too readily. Nevertheless he recognized the seduction as the distraction it was intended to be, and this time he wasn't willing to let it go. This time he wanted some answers.

He took Alex's hand and held it firmly, effectively suppressing the other's distracting caress. His voice was very low as he stared at the younger man intensely. "Where did you learn to shoot like that, Alex?"

A surprised blink, then Alex tore his hand from Mulder's and turned around. "You're not on duty."

Fox's eyes narrowed as he stared at the other's broad back. "And you're avoiding an answer." His voice was louder now, harsh. Like before, Alex remained silent and refused to answer. Only this time Mulder didn't back away but burst out in anger. "Fuck it, Alex! I can't trust you if you don't talk to me!"

Alex spun around on his heels, a wild, nearly haunted look in his eyes. A cornered animal, but a fiercely angry one, ready to stand his ground and fight. "You *never* trusted me!" he hissed icily, his voice burning with intensity. Then he noticed Mulder's expression, realized what he'd just said - too much, too much... And then his instincts kicked in, and he started to back away, his wide-eyed stare slipping off the other's face as he turned his head, shaking it slowly. "Shouldn't even be here..." he whispered to himself, eyes closing as if he'd just realized he'd made a terrible mistake. "Shouldn't have..."

He turned, wanted to run, but Mulder's hand on his arm caught him hard, pulling him back against the firm body of the slightly taller man. His muscles tensed as he tried to fight Mulder off, but the agent's left hand shot up to the back of his neck, strong fingers exerting just the right amount of pressure to keep Alex from pushing him away. "Let go..." he heard the other in a low, raspy voice, traced with a hint of panic, but Mulder merely shook his head, keeping his grip tight.

"No way, not this time!" he hissed, close to Alex's ear. "I want some answers first, and don't bullshit me again!" He leaned closer, his lips and breath brushing Alex's ear caress-like while his fingers dug deeper into his neck, nearly bruising. "What happened, Alex? Tell me..."

His voice was now very quiet, very controlled, but Alex didn't seem to listen any more. He'd closed his eyes once again, his body shaking as the dangerously soft-spoken words sent a shiver down his spine, and as he now turned his head to look at Mulder, he didn't really see the agent. The green depths of his gaze were clouded, his thoughts lost in almost painful remembrance.

"My mother..." he murmured. His tone of voice made Mulder hold his breath. "Mom taught me how to do it after she got... hurt. Got damn good at it. Shot him as he tried it again. Then they separated." His eyes focused somewhat, although he still wasn't really seeing Mulder. "Should've killed the son of a bitch."

Pain so intense it made Mulder cringe flashed across the handsome face, and his grip lost all power. His hands remained on arm and neck of the younger man, but the angry intensity was gone. Now he suddenly had to fight the urge to embrace him, cradle him in his arms until the pain went away. Then Alex took a deep breath and stepped away from him, avoiding his eyes. The mask was back in place, leaving a blank and utterly controlled expression that revealed no emotion at all. He felt Mulder's gaze, and he couldn't believe, didn't know why he'd told him the truth he'd kept buried for the better half of his life.

Alex felt Mulder stare at him, and he ran a hand through his hair, leaving it even more ruffled. "Listen, I..." As he looked up, he saw a man in the crowd. A somewhat familiar man who slowly turned away upon being noticed. Alex felt a cold shiver, and his pulse jumped. He was sure he'd seen the same face twice before this day. Too much of a coincidence. "Shit."

Mulder turned to follow the direction of his intense stare, but didn't see anything special. "What is it?"

Alex shook his head. "Nothing." he pressed through gritted teeth. "Just... Listen, I gotta go."

Mulder stared at him, perplexed by the sudden change of moods. Then his hand shot out and caught Alex's arm just in time. "Wait a second. We're not finished."

The dark man turned to look at him, and when he spoke, his voice was very controlled and matter-of-fact. "Let go, Fox."

"No." Just one word, but it held so much emotion it nearly burned. The softness, the need to comfort he'd felt just a moment before was gone, washed away by a wave of anger and tenseness that tightened his mouth in a strange way.

Again Alex tried to push him away, and again he wasn't successful. His mind was still reeling with images of the man who'd been following him, the man that still had to be out there, hiding in the crowd, and so the only clear thought he could get into his head was that he had to get out of here, right now. "Stop fucking around with my mind, Alex." he heard Mulder's voice, almost exasperated.

That made Alex look up, and what he saw in those strange eyes made him hold his breath. "Okay." he finally rasped. A quick glance around showed no further sign of his pursuer. Instead he noticed one of the fair attractions, and almost instinctively he grabbed Mulder - careful to hold his wrist, not his hand - and began to pull him towards it. "We can talk in there."

 

*** *** ***

 

The tall, grey-haired man popped up the collar of his coat as he began pacing again, shielding himself from the slightly chilling wind. He'd arrived just a few minutes ago, but he'd always been an impatient man. When his black colleague finally arrived, he glared at him annoyed. "You're late."

The other shrugged. "If you say so." They stared at each other for a few seconds, then the tall man turned and walked back to his own car, certain the other would follow him and therefore not bothering to look back.

"So tell me. How is our man doing?" he finally asked, his hands buried deep in the pockets of his coat, fingers playing with a scrap of paper absentmindedly.

"So far, so good." the reply came quietly. "He made contact, although he hasn't reported back yet."

A few more steps in silence, then: "Do you think he will be successful?"

The black man didn't answer right away but thought about it for a while, although he sensed the other's impatience. Then he shrugged again. "At this point, I can't..."

His cell phone went off and cut his answer short. A bit irritated he dug it out of his pocket and growled a simple "Yes?". He listened for a few seconds, and what he heard made him frown. Without another word he terminated the connection and pushed the phone back into his coat pocket. He breathed out, then turned to look at the other who was watching him expectantly. "He's been noticed." he growled.

 

*** *** ***

 

Alex moved quickly through the crowd, dragging Mulder along, who kept his gaze fixed on the younger man. He was still angry and irritated, and so he didn't pay attention to the direction they were going. When Fox finally looked up and read the sign above the entrance he petrified, his feet braced against the ground, refusing to go any further. "You gotta be kidding!" he hissed through gritted teeth. When Alex didn't respond and only tightened the grip on his arm he intensified his struggle. "I'm not going in there with you."

"Oh yes, you are!" Alex said determinedly and pushed him towards the 'Tunnel of Love', by now nearly using force. As the other struggled to free himself, he spun around impatiently, his voice an angry growl deep in his throat. "You're the one who wants to talk, right?"

They stared at each other angrily, neither of them willing to retreat, until they heard someone clear his throat. Mulder turned, glaring at the jostling couple, and slowly the realization dawned on him that it would only attract a lot more attention if he'd continue his resistance, so he reluctantly willed himself to relax when Alex paid for their ride. The woman behind the cash desk eyed them suspiciously, and that only added to Mulder's discomfort. Briefly he thought about an apologizing 'I don't really know him', but realized just in time such a comment would only serve to make matters worse. So he met the woman's curious look with a grim smile until she turned away nervously.

And then Alex was urging him into the little car, and it was too late to run because they were already entering the tunnel, and he felt utterly trapped in the sudden darkness. He blinked until his eyes adjusted a bit. It didn't help much, though; he could still see only a shadow image of the man beside him - the vague outline of his face and neck, white teeth, strong fingers that pushed back wavy dark hair.

Soon he found that the low lights didn't really matter because all his other senses seemed to kick in where his sight failed. He felt the other's presence all too clearly when Alex shifted his weight in his seat, heard the faint creaking of his leather jacket above the soft murmur that drifted through the twilight. Lovers in the other cars. Whispered promises and breathless kisses.

When he breathed in he caught Alex's scent, clean and smoky, the faint smell of leather mingling with just a hint of sweat. Male. He forced himself to speak, although he felt his heart beat rapidly all of a sudden.

"Who was the guy?" he asked his darker shadow who buried his face in his hands with a groan. Mulder blinked. He'd taken a wild guess, but obviously he'd hit the right spot.

And again he received no answer. "Shut up, Mulder." Alex just whispered numbly, once again fumbling with his hair. Suddenly he felt so utterly trapped, body and mind alike, and as he sensed Mulder move, open his mouth again, Alex turned to face him. It was all he could do to keep from screaming. "I mean it, man. I can't take much more of this, so... shut... the fuck... up!"

With every word, spoken through gritted teeth, he'd moved closer, now nearly leaning over Mulder who watched him deeply disturbed, wide-opened eyes only a speck of white in the velvet darkness. The outburst left him panting, his face suddenly so close to Mulder's he could feel the other's warm breath on his lips.

Then he breathed in, and Alex knew he wouldn't keep quiet. And he found himself leaning forward, his lips pressing against Mulder's. Silencing him the only way he could think of. He pushed Mulder's hands aside, and then he reached up, holding Mulder, his fingers grabbing the other's neck hard in the desperate need to keep him still, if even for a few seconds...

Heat. Burning hunger. He'd braced himself for anger again, resistance, but all he met was uncontrolled desire as Fox returned his kiss unexpectedly. Just a heartbeat's hesitation, then he parted his lips, tasting him, hungry tongue devouring his mouth almost aggressively. Alex felt a shiver run through the other's body, and he tightened his grip, afraid Mulder might pull away. He didn't.

With a deep-throated growl Fox leaned into the kiss, fiercely hungry for it, his fingers weaving involuntarily into strands of silky hair that he knew to be nearly as black as a raven's wing. Satin-smooth, cat's-fur soft.

A moan of pleasure escaped Alex as he felt the heated response, the half-opened mouth tasting, biting him, driving him mad until he heard the blood rush in his ears. His breathing became ragged but he didn't dare draw back, just pressed his lips even tighter to Mulder's in the most intense caress he'd given - or received - in a long time. His hands slid around and down the other's back, urging him even closer until his body was pressed against Alex's.

Heat washed over Fox like a wave, speeding his pulse until he felt his heart hammer against his ribs. The demanding lips, the probing tongue that were tasting him nearly desperately stole his breath away, clouded his mind until all he felt was flaming desire, radiating through every inch of his body. He groaned against Alex's mouth, impatient, aroused.

And Alex drew back, gasping for air.

"Damn!" Fox heard him mutter under his breath but he was too aroused, too much lost in physical need to care for the meaning. His hand was still tangled in Alex's hair, and when the other leaned over him again he thought at first it was for another kiss. When the soft lips avoided his and merely brushed his cheek he nearly screamed in frustration. Until he heard the whispered words. "Let go, Fox. We're close to the exit."

The intended bucket of ice water missed Mulder completely. He blinked, trying to get his eyes to focus again when he felt the arm around his back straighten him upright. His breathing slowed down a bit although his knees were still wobbly when they got off the car.

The cool night air on his face brought him halfway back to his senses, and he took a deep breath. And just then he caught the look of a young blonde who climbed out of one of the other cars with her boyfriend. His heart jumped for a second. Had she seen them? And then she gave him a wink, and he knew she had, and it was okay. He returned her slight smile, suddenly feeling strangely at ease with himself.

Alex walked beside him quietly. He wanted very much to take Mulder's hand but fought the urge and shoved his hands deep into his jeans pockets instead. It would have been a bit much.

He turned his head into a rush of the cool night air that tore at him. He was slightly confused and not quite sure how to handle this new situation, now that it had occurred. In the Tunnel, he'd only thought about escaping Mulder's pressuring questions, about the danger he was in, but he'd never imagined a response like that. He knew the situation still required a talk, that it had brought him only a short delay, but all that came to his mind he quickly discarded as unusable, and so he remained silent, wondering how Mulder felt about it. Then he noticed that Mulder's hands still held the plush tiger, unconsciously petting it from time to time. And suddenly the talk wasn't quite that urgent.

 

*** *** ***

 

"You know", Mulder mused when they'd nearly left the fun fair, heading towards the car. "I've always wondered what this 'Tunnel of Love' looks like inside. And now that I've been into the damned thing... I still have no idea..."

The comment made Alex look up, but his half-formed smile vanished as he watched the other's expression become very serious all of a sudden, his eyes fixed on some distant point without really seeing it. He felt his throat tighten as he realized his delay might be a short one.

Mulder's thoughts were far from being well-organized. They drifted back and forth, eventually - and inevitably - circling around the kiss. Lost in thought he raised a hand, his fingertips touching his lips unconsciously as if he could still feel Alex's caress. It had felt confusingly good.

Whatever vague visions his imagination had come up with about being with another man - this had clearly not been a part of it. This passionate and extremely sensuous kiss had not at all been what he would have expected. But the really confusing part had been his own unexpected response, his sudden arousal that had banished all hesitation, all second thoughts about gender. His body and mind had responded all too easily. And it made him wonder if he'd ever experienced something like that before.

Realizing the tip of his thumb was still stroking his lower lip, he dropped his hand to his side with an effort. When he shot Alex a quick glance he noticed that somehow the silence between them had changed. "When we... did we ever have sex?" he suddenly just blurted out, wincing inwardly at the blunt question. Graduation failed due to total lack of diplomatic abilities whatsoever, try again next year.

Alex blinked, speechless. His mind was still reeling with images of deception and danger, of the man who'd been following him... but even if he'd been thinking about their relationship - this still would have been a surprise. His previous experiences had taught him to expect nearly everything, tendencies ranging from 'Let's forget about it!' a.k.a. 'We're still just friends, right?' down to a more or less straightforward invitation to the other's bed, but this had caught him off guard.

"No. It never went that far." he finally answered in brutal honesty, surprising himself. The words sounded strangely cold.

"Then - why did you kiss me?"

The look Alex shot him was one of annoyed impatience, and as he spun around on his heels and stalked towards him, Mulder instinctively moved a step back. "No, man - why did *you* kiss *me*?!" he hissed sharply, no longer able to keep his emotions under control. "Your mother never told you not to mess around with strangers?!"

Fox tried to stay calm, but the sparkling green eyes fueled his own temper. "I did it *because* I don't remember!" he answered equally sharp, nearly shouting close to Alex's face. "Because my memory's just a blank spot whenever it comes to the question if we were lovers! If we have ever done this before. If you had the *right* to touch me like that! Because since I found you sitting in my bedroom that night you've done everything to suggest we had an affair!" Realizing he was close to leaving the narrow path of logic he broke off, pushing a hand through his hair almost violently. When he quietly continued after a few deep breaths, the anger had left his voice, leaving him almost exhausted. "I thought it would help me remember."

Silence. "And it didn't work." Alex stated after a long while, his voice suddenly very cold, devoid of emotion. Mulder's words had been a shock, reminding him brutally that he was doing a dangerous tightrope walk. A deception that could be shattered any moment. Just one glimpse, one little fragment of Mulder's memory would be enough... He stared at the agent, wondering how he could have ever been that stupid.

"No." Mulder shook his head miserably. Inhaling deeply Alex turned once again to hide his relief, pretending to scrutinize the wall next to him like an extremely fascinating science project. He felt his heart beat in his throat, and swallowing hurt.

The silence stretched between them until Alex heard Mulder's steps on the pavement. He felt the older man come up behind him, but didn't move, even as he felt his hand on his left shoulder. After a few seconds Mulder raised his right hand, too, touching Alex's upper arm for a heartbeat. Then his hand slid around his other shoulder from the front, the fingers resting at the base of the younger one's neck. The gesture brought Alex close and forced him to lean back against Mulder's chest.

"I'm sorry, Alex." he heard Fox murmur against his cheek, and it hurt a little more. "It's just that... I mean, I'm not..." - 'Congratulations.' a sweet voice somewhere in the back of his head informed him calmly. 'You just reached the highest possible score for spoiling a good moment.'

Alex slowly breathed out. "Neither am I." he replied very quietly. When he felt Mulder's hesitation he turned his head to meet the other's gaze. "I have done a lot of things." - 'Yeah, right. And when was the last time you did anything else than run?' his personal little devil quipped sarcastically.

They exchanged a long look, and finally Fox nodded. "I see." The two words made Alex shiver, and he closed his eyes, for a while simply savoring the rare closeness. Then suddenly Mulder's inquisitive nature kicked in. He couldn't help it. He just had to ask. "Alex... if we never had sex... why did you have the keys to my apartment...?"

Alex froze, once again caught totally unprepared by this turn in their conversation. "To look after..." He hesitated, frantically searching his memory of Mulder's apartment for something that needed to be tended. No cat, no plants - help! "... your fish when you were out of town." he then finished nearly smoothly, hiding the tiny pause behind a sigh.

"Oh." The sound made Alex turn his head again. Originally he'd wanted to pull away, step aside, but when he saw Mulder's puzzled, lost-in-thought expression it made him turn around completely, and before he'd even realized what he was doing he'd wrapped his arms around the other man's waist and pulled him close, nearly desperately clinging to him.

This time it caught Fox by surprise, and for a mere second he just stood there, his hands hovering above Alex's shoulders. Then he dropped them to the younger man's back, gently stroking down in a slow movement. He felt Alex lean into the touch, bury his face into Mulder's neck, and he knew the other needed this moment of closeness. Somehow he knew he'd never been good at comforting other people, had always messed up even the attempt, but it didn't seem to matter right now. Sighing, he wrapped his arms tightly around the dark-haired man and held him like that for a little eternity.

"Alex." he murmured at last. He got a muffled, but definitely acknowledging sound against his neck that made him smile. His hand came up to tousle Alex's hair until the younger man raised his head to look at him. "I didn't flinch." he said very, very softly.

 

*** *** ***

 

Sometime later they reached Mulder's apartment building, and there was a small moment of uncertainty where neither of them was comfortable with the suddenly tense situation. Then Mulder tilted his head to meet Alex's eyes in a long and longing gaze, staring, measuring... Finally he saw him nod and he turned, a silent understanding reached, and as he walked up the stairs he sensed Alex behind him, following him without a word.

The presence of the younger man was almost tangible, and Mulder took great care in keeping his mind blank and his thoughts away from the things about to happen. When he closed the door of his apartment behind them and shrugged out of his leather jacket, Alex shot him another thoughtful glance, but his ex-partner now seemed to keep his expression under tight control. He took off his jacket, too, following Mulder down the hallway and into the kitchen.

Mulder stopped and turned, and he was a bit startled to find his dark companion directly behind him. Startling green eyes met his, and an almost painful shiver of anticipation crept down his spine. "Coffee?" he managed to get out, running his tongue over his suddenly dry lips as he watched the other's movements - almost feral and well-controlled.

"Nah." Alex shook his head and walked past Mulder into the kitchen, where he began rummaging through the cupboards. His efforts were soon rewarded by a bottle of wine he pulled out with a somewhat triumphant sound. "A-*ha*! Now all we need are some glasses..." He looked at his host questioningly, and Fox pointed quietly to another cupboard, leaning against the sideboard and not making a move to abandon his place. He watched Alex get the glasses and pour some wine with a strange feeling coiling in his belly.

"Wanna get me drunk?" he asked, his voice a little slurred, maybe from emotion, maybe from the wine he'd previously had.

Alex closed the bottle with a slow smile curling his lips, a nearly dangerous smile that made him look even darker. "Not drunk. Just relaxed." he answered, took both glasses and came close to Mulder, still keeping his gaze down. "So tell me..." Raising one hand and offering the glass he held he met the older man's eyes, suddenly startlingly close, their lips only a few inches apart. "Are you relaxed?"

Mulder stared at him wide-eyed, his somewhat relaxed slouch replaced by a certain tenseness all of a sudden. An exquisite shudder send goose bumps all over his body, and he couldn't help but nod, his lips parted as if to speak, but not uttering a single sound.

"Do you want me to leave?" he heard Alex ask in a low voice, but it took him a moment to really understand what he'd been asked. Their lips were too close to let him think clearly, almost touching now, and the faint pressure of the slender male body leaning against his sent his whole body chemistry into violent uproar. He desperately tried to get his mind to work, to find a sensible answer to the choice he'd been asked to make, but he couldn't do anything but stare into those green eyes open-mouthed until Alex made the decision for him and leaned closer still, kissing him again.

As he felt the touch of the other's lips, Fox inhaled deeply but didn't draw back, not even as he sensed Alex placing the glasses he still held on the sideboard behind Mulder's back. Now-empty hands stroked down his back sensuously, and the kiss deepened until it was too late to reconsider even if he'd wanted to.

With a growl Fox closed his eyes, no rational thought left, now solely concentrating on the pleasure this kiss sent through his body. Alex felt him lean back a little, and one of his hands came up unconsciously to slide through short, thick hair. Holding him still once again. He felt Mulder moan against his mouth, lips pressing tighter, tongue sliding between them and dueling with his own, and his body reacted all too easily when Fox's hand slid around his waist, pressing against the small of his back to urge him closer. He gave in to his need and slid his leg between Mulder's thighs, feeling the other's hard sex press against his hip.

With a deep-throated groan Fox pulled him even closer, in his frenzied hunger nearly knocking over the glasses behind him. When Alex's lips left his he wanted to cry out in frustration, but before he could voice his protest the other turned his attention to his neck, lips and tongue tracing hot caresses down Mulder's throat while his hands pulled the sports shirt out of his jeans, impatiently lifting it and sliding beneath it until they touched bare flesh. Strong fingers stroked the sensitized skin of his stomach and chest possessively, followed by demanding lips. His head fell back as Alex's tongue traced a hot line up his sternum, fingertips teasing his aching nipples until his lips closed over one, teeth and tongue wringing a low moan from him.

"Alex." he finally managed to get out, his breath rasping in his throat, but Alex showed no reaction, just continued to mouth him, now nearly desperately. 'No, no! Don't let him stop, not now!' a voice cried somewhere in his mind. 'Don't let him come to his senses...' His caresses grew even more intense, and he slid his arms around Mulder once again, pulling him hard up against his hips and leg and making him groan as a sudden wave of desire washed over him.

Nevertheless Mulder somehow managed to keep hold of his original thought. He slid a hand into Alex's hair and pulled him up hard, ignoring his resistance. His lips touched the younger one's ear, and he bit him lightly to get his attention before he rasped: "Get your ass into my bedroom."

Now it was Alex's turn to stare at him in aroused confusion, pupils dilated, breathing ragged, and it took him quite a while to understand that this had been an invitation. A very straightforward one.

 

*** *** ***

 

By the time they stumbled into the bedroom, still clinging to each other, there was no longer a chance for turning back. They kissed almost violent, tasting the other's mouth hungrily, groaning, biting. Alex moaned deep in his throat as Mulder yanked his own shirt over his head impatiently, then ripped open the other's press-studded shirt, sliding his hands beneath it in a rough exploration.

Alex pressed against the touch, and his hands moved down, trying to unbutton his lover's jeans, but Mulder was having none of it. He pushed his hands away, urging him with his back against the wall instead. He got Alex out of his shirt with a hard jerk on the fabric, again refusing to let him use his own hands.

As he leaned forward, teeth digging into Alex's neck and shoulder suddenly, the younger one growled dangerously low. No longer able to keep still, his arms came up, and he grabbed Mulder hard, spinning him around, throwing his back against the wall with a hard thump. Surprised by this display of raw power, Mulder gasped for air, but he had no chance to protest. Alex pressed against him hard, his mouth taking Mulder's in a kiss that left the agent even more breathless. The feeling of Alex's smooth chest pressing against his for the first time without a layer of clothing between them was a sensual shock and sped up his pulse until he heard his blood thundering in his ears.

Alex broke the kiss, leaving him panting as his teeth grazed Mulder's ear. "Quid pro quo, dear." he whispered as his hands finally opened Mulder's fly, reached inside and took hold of him. The older man threw his head back with a strangled cry as Alex began to stroke him, hard, sensuously, and he echoed the sound with a growling laugh. "Has it been that long...?"

The words made Mulder's eyes snap open, and he raised his head to stare at Alex, whose fingers were taking up a mindblurring rhythm on his cock. Then he gripped the wrist of the massaging hand and pulled it out of his pants, surprising Alex even more when he brought his other hand up between them and pushed him away, sending Alex stumbling across the room.

As the dark-haired man found his balance, he raised his head to stare at Mulder. "Second thoughts, Fox?" he huffed. His breathing was still ragged, and it gave his voice a rough and extremely stimulating quality. Not the slightest tremble in his sarcastic words, although he felt numb with pain.

He watched Mulder push himself away from the wall and, running a hand through his hair, take a few pacing steps back and forth. Alex could do nothing but stare at him, licking his lips. He wanted to scream at Mulder. Hurt him. Jump his bones. Anything to get a reaction from him.

Finally Mulder stopped, and Alex's question made its way into his brain. He met the stubborn green eyes, breathing deeply, then his gaze dropped to those sensuous lips. Just one of those kisses... he needed just one of those touches, one he could drown in...

The answer Alex got was non-vocal. Fox lunged forward suddenly, crashing against the firm body, teeth clashing as he claimed his mouth hard. He inhaled deeply, drinking in the unfamiliar smell of the male body as he pushed Alex backwards roughly, onto the bed. Slender hands opened the younger one's fly with an ease only slightly hindered by the clumsiness of a passion too intense to be controlled.

Alex groaned at the touch and threw his head back, gasping for air. Long time indeed.

Mulder watched the fierce reaction with intense satisfaction, and his fingers dug into another sensitive spot. A low growl followed his caress, and Alex opened his eyes. Surprising Mulder completely and throwing him off balance when he lunged forward for another kiss, his tongue driving between the other's full lips and coaxing a responding moan out of his throat.

Fox met his probing tongue with his own, thrusting it deep between those soft lips. His hands came up to grasp Alex's hair and they stayed there as his lover let his mouth travel down his chest... and lower... He held his breath in anticipation as Alex's tongue dipped into his navel and still moved further down. Then he realized that the other was pulling at his jeans, trying to remove them, and he lifted his hips from the sheet to help him. He felt the jeans being yanked down, the boxers with them, and as he lay there naked a sudden wave of panic swept over him, leaving him with an uncanny feeling of vulnerability. He tried to sit up but Alex was already all over him again, suddenly completely naked somehow, holding him down with his amazingly massive body.

He groaned as he felt the long-muscled leg slide between his now-naked thighs again, and just for a second Fox thought he was going to explode. Then he got his body back under control, and he began to return the delicious assault. They fell into a fierce rhythm that was almost a fight, a desperate battle for control. Biting, licking, hard, impatient touches that aroused them as hell. Their bodies moved restlessly, spinning, turning, twisting, each of them struggling to gain control. Neither of them willing to retreat.

Then Alex moved down the other's body, pinning him to the sheet with his weight and his wild caresses, and Mulder suddenly didn't find the energy to struggle any further. He leaned back and closed his eyes, his hands clutching the sheet as he felt Alex's teeth rake across his skin.

The feeling of Alex going down on him was almost unbearable, and soon his breathing turned into short gasps for air. Wondering how Alex managed to touch him demanding and yet teasing at the same time, he raised his head to look at him, and he found the other's lips descending to his thighs.

Alex drew the scarcely furred skin on the inside between his lips, sucked on it, used his teeth, then repeated the wet caress along the other thigh, all the while being only too aware of Mulder's sex, constantly close to his lips and yet never actually touching. And he knew Fox felt it, too, felt his body tense each time his lips moved closer to his cock and relax a little more every time the teasing lips went somewhere else.

And finally he leaned over him all of a sudden and took him into his mouth, sucking strongly, completely surprising Fox who arched up against him with a cry deep in his throat, all rational thought driven from his mind. Alex closed his hand around the other's sex, his fingers supporting the fast rhythm of his stroking lips, sliding along the thick shaft, faster, harder... There, almost there... he could feel Mulder's climax building fast, felt lean muscles tense, hips thrashing unconsciously...

"Alex... wait...!" Fox suddenly rasped in a near cry. Alex didn't react, just continued his devouring caress with still growing intensity. Mulder gasped, struggling for control as the hot tongue flicked over the tip of his cock, then slid down the hard shaft, and it took him an almost painful effort to break away. His hands, still buried into dark hair, pulled Alex roughly up the length of his aroused body.

At first Alex tried to resist but winced as he lost a few hairs in the attempt. Panting heavily he gave in and stared down into Mulder's now almost dark green eyes, pupils wide in the dim twilight. His gaze dropped to the sensuous, slightly parted lips and his mouth followed, claiming Mulder's for another hungry kiss. Fox met his tongue for only a few seconds. Then he suddenly flipped the other onto his back with a growl.

"Alex... please gimme... a break...!" he huffed and closed his eyes for a second, trying to get his body back under control despite the shivers of delight that each tiny movement produced and that made his skin crawl with pleasure.

Alex stared at him with barely focused eyes. Then his hand came up to touch Mulder's cheek, his thumb stroking the full lower lip. "Just wanna make you come..." he whispered hoarsely, struggling for control himself. His body, however, had other intentions, and he couldn't help but move against the firm body above him.

A passion-roughened laugh escaped Mulder. "Believe me, I won't object to that!" he answered out of breath, his tongue flicking out to stroke over the distracting finger, grazing the tip with his teeth. "Just..." He hesitated, searching for the right words. How the hell do you tell someone you don't want to rush things when you're already lying on top of him naked?! He leaned forward until his forehead touched Alex's and let his breathing calm a little until the urgent rush of desire gradually subsided to a less senseless passion. His thoughts whirled in hopeless confusion as he tried to think clearly despite his pounding pulse, despite the body that was rubbing against his.

The only thing he was sure of was that he wanted something more than a quick blowjob. It had taken him a great effort to accept the fact of a male lover. Now that he'd agreed to have this experience he didn't want it to be a simple release of pressure.

He knew he'd never been a passive lover, and he wasn't about to start now. He wanted to touch, taste, experience all the differences... He opened his eyes again, for the first time really *looking* at Alex's naked body and not only savoring the feel of it. The touch, the kisses, although harder and more demanding, were not that different from a woman's, but to look at the smooth, tanned muscles, the firm body, definitely male, sent a sudden realization through him. For the first time he really understood that he was lying next to another man, a situation that was new, yet a body strangely familiar... similar to his own...

No, there was no need to rush this. First he wanted to know if he could really enjoy being with another man. He didn't want a quick fuck. He wanted to make love.

All he said was: "Just slow down a bit." He felt Alex's answering shudder against his hot skin, and now it was suddenly Mulder who took the other's mouth in a devastating kiss. A low growl answered him, a deep rumbling that changed to a sharp intake of breath every time his hands or teeth found a particularly sensitive spot.

He soon found it was fun to fan the flames of the younger man's desire, to make him hiss with pleasure as he took the chance to explore his body. His hand slid over a nipple already hard under his touch, and instinctively he leaned forward and ran the tip of his tongue over it. The flash of heat made Alex buck against him, and his movement was rewarded by a short sting of teeth. He bit his lips to keep from screaming out of pure lust, stubbornly refusing to give Mulder the satisfaction of voicing his passion.

Fox felt his holding back, and it was a challenge he met, now trying to coax a reaction out of Alex with every move, every touch.

When Mulder moved above him Alex felt the hard ridge of his erection against his stomach, stirring his passion even more. Panting he buried his fingers into Fox's hair, and he clung to the strong shoulders nearly desperately. Then Mulder slid down, his mouth twisted into a grim smile, and as he copied the tantalizing caresses Alex had used on him earlier his muscles began to tremble. Again he bit his lip to keep the harsh cry that formed in his throat from breaking out.

He felt Mulder's hand curl around his cock, moving in a hard rhythm, and just as he concentrated on the breathtaking feeling, teeth dug into his thigh, quick and hard.

"Aah!" His surprised cry turned into one of pleasure as Mulder kept on stroking him while his lips and tongue followed a weird pattern on his skin. The pain throbbing through his inner thigh only added to the ecstasy. His hips bucked against the well-muscled body out of reflex, and he felt strong hands hold him down, hot lips whispering something senseless against his oversensitized skin. "Oh, god..." he groaned, and Mulder moved up.

"Just a little more..." Fox whispered against his cheek while his hands slid around Alex's back and urged him closer, pressing into him fiercely. Closer, closer... yet not close enough...

He wanted more, wanted to feel all of the slender body... His eyes flew open and met Mulder's, and this single gaze touched his soul. And before he knew it the rough words left his lips. "Then fuck me."

As soon as the plea was out of his mouth, he felt Mulder tense and draw back a little, and he understood immediately. This suggestion had been too much, and now the rational part of Mulder's mind started to object. Receiving a blowjob, doing a little necking was one thing - deliberately screwing another man took the whole experience into completely new dimensions. A rush of anxiety washed over him as he searched for the right words and found none that would be adequate.

Finally he just leaned forward and pressed his lips hard against the tingling skin at the base of Mulder's neck. Determined not to let him come to his senses again he placed a deep kiss there, flicked his tongue over the strong muscles. "Fuck me..." he repeated in a low voice and continued his caress as he felt Mulder relax a little. He used just his mouth, tracing a hot path up Mulder's neck to the sensitive spot just behind his ear, and as he felt the shudder his touch produced he drew Fox's earlobe between his teeth, nuzzling it until his lover started to moan again. "Fuck me..." he murmured a third time, just a seductive whisper this time, brushing his lips over the stubbled cheek, and he felt the older man give in and search his mouth for another deep kiss. He wrapped his arms around him, drawing him as close as possible.

Fox leaned into the touch, nearly losing himself, knowing he was already lost. As Alex broke away, gasping for air, Mulder pushed himself up, trying to reach his nightstand.

No, no, no! The movement made his panic return like a wave, and Alex pressed tightly against his lover, mouthing his chest again, making Mulder pant heavily. "Alex, stop it for a second..." His voice nearly cracked as he came close to losing his composure. "I won't change my mind, just let me reach the damn... aah!" His head sagged forward as Alex grabbed his buttocks, pressing him hard against his hot skin while using his teeth on one of his nipples.

With a deep-throated growl he rolled over and tore at the nightstand drawer impatiently, nearly tossing it to the floor in the attempt to pull it open. As he took out a condom and a tube of lubricant Alex met his gaze in sudden understanding, although Mulder himself was a little embarrassed. Nobody would have been more surprised than he'd been when he'd discovered it while rummaging through his belongings, hoping they might give him a clue about his lost life.

He raised his head and found Alex staring at him, watching him as he used the condom, and although the sparkling green eyes fueled his desire even more, he suddenly knew that he wouldn't, couldn't do it like this.

"Turn around." he ordered, his voice rumbling in his throat with barely controlled passion.

Alex remained still for a heartbeat, staring at Mulder. Torn between excitement and a sudden rush of anxiety. His chest was heaving with his ragged breaths as his tongue flicked out to moisten his too dry lips. Finally he nodded, very slowly. "Okay."

Just as slowly he turned onto his belly, and as his gaze left Fox's, fear blazed through him again. He felt the other move behind him, the shift of his weight as he leaned forward, and he couldn't help but flinch at the first touch. 'Bad idea, Alex! *Really* bad idea!' his mind protested.

His muscles tensed, and he desperately tried to relax. It had been a long time since he'd done this, and it took some real effort. In an attempt to keep his mind from thinking about it he grabbed a pillow and pushed it under his hips slowly, very controlled, not being aware of how the movement affected his body.

Suddenly Mulder found himself staring at Alex's broad back in fascination, absolutely entranced by the way hard muscles rippled beneath the tanned skin, dark in contrast to his own. His hands moved of their own accord, gliding up Alex's spine, rubbing his flesh slowly. A moan of pleasure as his strong hands, slightly cool and slippery with lubricant, took in the feel, the texture of skin, and he felt the tension drain away beneath his massaging fingertips.

Alex bit his lip, relaxing into the touch... crying out as Mulder suddenly pushed into him. His back arched, and his body moved involuntarily, not sure whether he wanted to escape the painful intrusion - or needed more of it.

Then he felt Mulder's weight shift again, and his lips were suddenly close to Alex's ear as he slid an arm around his chest, pulling him up on his knees and closer to him. "Does it hurt?" he murmured, a barely controlled growl that held a dangerous edge.

Ohgodohgodohgod... he knows! Alex closed his eyes and bit his lip hard but the panic welled up inside him nonetheless as he felt Mulder's hand on his throat suddenly, choking, while his other hand grabbed the thick hair at the base of his neck, yanking Alex's head back sharply when he didn't reply. "Answer me, Alex!" he demanded harshly, his voice rippling with power. His own words sent a thrill through him, and he felt a brief pang of guilt because the thought of hurting Alex shouldn't feel so good. "Does. It. Hurt?!"

Alex's eyes snapped open. "Yes!" he hissed, and he used his whole weight to push back against Mulder, taking him deep inside his body. The sudden movement made them both cry out, Mulder in utter surprise, Alex with more pain... and a breathtaking wave of pleasure.

He felt Fox's attempt to control his trembling muscles, give him time to adjust, but the burning sensations running over his skin made it an almost painful effort. Then Mulder couldn't help it, and his body surged forward hard. He took Alex with him, pushing him forward with every stroke until Alex had to grip the headboard to steady both of them. "Aah!" The strangled cry broke off as he took in a gulp of air.

"Yeah, that's it..." he heard Mulder's voice against his ear. The staccato beat of his heart made it hard to think, and the hard cock inside him wasn't helping either... Another powerful thrust. "Scream for me, Alex..."

And in the end he did. When he couldn't stand it anymore, he yelled out his desire, his cries mixing with Mulder's passionate growls as he rammed even harder into the lean body. Faster. More. "Oh god..." he groaned once again. Moremoremore...

"Yesss..." Fox hissed, and he leaned forward and wrapped his hand around Alex's straining cock. Another cry as he began to move his hand in the same hard rhythm, and he felt Alex throw his head back, against his shoulder. Harder.

He felt Alex's body buck beneath him as his climax neared. He moved faster, nearly lifting him off the bed with each stroke. Yesyesyes. Deeper. More.

And Alex screamed as Mulder buried his teeth into his muscled neck, sucking at his flesh, biting, hard. His skin burned, and his nerves exploded in fire. The sudden sensation sent him over the edge almost explosively, and as he came, Mulder's grip on him tightened even more. Fox buried his face into his neck, a fierce sound flowing from his lips, and then he suddenly stilled, his body arching into him. Oh god.

After a long moment Fox pulled away and collapsed on his back, desperately trying to catch his breath. For a few minutes he just lay there, his forearm draped across his face, his sweat-soaked body cooling down gradually. Neither of them spoke, both of them exhausted and shaken by their fierce lovemaking.

"What..." Mulder began finally, swallowing heavily as he found his throat too dry to speak. "What *was* that...?" he asked quietly, amazed.

A long silence. "Dunno." came Alex's reply then, barely audible. "But it was..." He broke off, not knowing what to say.

"Yeah." Mulder smiled, dazed and satiated. "It was." There was no answer, and after a while Mulder turned his head to look at Alex. He'd collapsed on his stomach, one hand still raised, touching the headboard, his head turned to face the wall. Away from Mulder. "Alex?" A shiver along his spine, rippling the hard muscles, but no answer. He raised a hand, hesitated, then touched the smooth skin. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." A soft-spoken word, barely more than a shallow breath. "Just tired..." The right words, soothing, and he felt Fox's weight shift as he leaned back again. He listened to the other's gradually slowing breath, and at one point he knew Mulder was asleep.

Alex closed his eyes, trying to fight the fucking tears that threatened to creep out. Wondering about the exact moment he'd given up control.

 

*** *** ***

 

With a cry Dana Scully bolted upright, the movement throwing the covering blankets away and further tangling her into the sheets. Gasping for air, she stared into the darkness of her bedroom, her heart beating against her chest rapidly. For a few seconds she just sat there, terrified, her body convulsing in almost violent shivers. She raised a shaking hand to light the nightstand lamp, but the small lamp wasn't enough, not enough to keep the shadows away, so she got up and went into the kitchen.

The bright, cold light made her eyes water, but it helped her keep control. Still out of breath, her night shirt soaked with sweat, she got herself a glass of water and gulped the ice cold liquid down hastily.

She didn't remember the slightest bit about her nightmare, but she was shaken by it, and she knew she wouldn't be able to get any sleep the rest of the night. Her gaze dropped to her hands that were holding the glass in a tight grip. As she forced her fingers to unclench, she found them still trembling, still hard to control.

Slowly she turned and went to the living room. As she sat down on the couch, drawing her legs up in a defensive pose, Queequeg raised his fluffy head to eye her suspiciously. Scully took a deep breath, fighting the urge to grab the phone, to call... She closed her eyes, wondering briefly were that thought had come from.

Queequeg seemed to sense her uneasiness. As he jumped up on the couch, his little feet tapping against Scully's leg, she absentmindedly raised her hand to pet him. Then she suddenly swept him up into her arms with a quick and unexpected move that made the little furball yelp in surprise, but as he felt her body shaking, he stopped the wriggling to get out of her tight embrace. Blinking, he stared at her in confusion. Then he tipped his nose against her in the dog equivalent of a shrug and began to lick the saltiness from his lady's face.

 

*** *** ***

 

Fox Mulder woke with a start in the middle of a strange nightmare - and started to moan as his head showed a definite tendency to explode. Carefully he pushed himself up, unwrapping his legs from the sheet like an early Christmas present. One look at the clock showed him it was 3.15 a.m.

Then he realized that he was alone, no one beside him, and it felt strangely disappointing. Somehow he'd expected Alex to be there, if only just for breakfast. It would have been nice to wake up in his arms. He sighed at the thought, as quickly dismissing it as it had turned up. He'd had sex with another man, yes, but thinking about it like a normal relationship was still a bit much for his taste. Maybe it was a good thing Alex wasn't there anymore.

As he started to get up he discovered the handwritten note on the nightstand and picked it up. 'Sorry I had to leave this early. I'll try to make up for it later. Meet me for lunch? Remember the spot we talked about? 'til then. Alex' Mulder read the note a second time, and suddenly he found it made him smile for no apparent reason.

Finally he got up and shuffled towards the bathroom where he leaned over the wash-basin and looked at his mirror image. The eyes that stared back at him were still clouded with a hint of sleepiness, but it was definitely not his usual sleepy 'morning face'. He took in the satiated expression, the slightly swollen lips, and the few passion marks on his upper body, then he remembered the deeper ones he'd given Alex, and he wondered what the hell had possessed him last night. Had to be true then - god gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time... He'd never been quite fond of first-date fucks, and now... *this*. At least he'd had enough of his brain left to think about Aids...

The last word seemed to echo inside his mind until it made his head ache all over again. And out of the depth of his memory crawled a scene where he'd spoken that single word before, sitting inside a dimly lit night club and staring at the blood-tipped index finger of a young woman, his fingers wrapped around her wrist to keep her hand from his parted lips. The scene shaped in his head so vividly that it made his whole body tense in a sudden wave of remembrance. And then little bits and pieces of memory began to click into place around it in a weird kind of domino effect.

And he began to remember.

 

*** *** ***

 

For the first time in nearly three long months he recognized his own features. After a heartbeat his mind made the connection to his family, and it hurt with a breathtaking intensity.

As his shoulders sagged forward there was the image of Scully holding him, comforting him after his father's death, and suddenly it was all back - their work, their disagreements and, above all, the strange sort of strong friendship and trust he'd felt for her.

And with Scully came the X-Files, and Skinner, and... and... "Oh my god...!" he whispered. As his mind added long-lost facts to his latest memories, his stomach clenched almost violently. He reached the toilet just in time before he threw up.

After a long time he pushed himself up, wiping his mouth. He met his own eyes in the mirror again and decided it was time for a shower.

 

*** *** ***

 

It was nearly 4.30 a.m. when Mulder picked up his phone and - sitting on his couch - dialed a number he hadn't used for a long time. Scully's voice answered him almost immediately, and for the briefest time he wondered if she hadn't been sleeping too well either. But Mulder didn't really care; right now he was just glad to hear her voice. "Scully?"

"Mulder?" She sounded very quiet, somewhat exhausted. "Is everything all right?"

"No, it's not." he answered, closing his eyes. "Scully, I remember, and I... I..." His voice broke, and suddenly he ran out of words. So he merely asked: "How fast can you get here?"

There was no answer at first. "What happened, Mulder?" she asked then, knowing him too well to keep from being concerned.

But Mulder couldn't react to that question, couldn't answer her. "Will you, please?" he asked instead, suddenly nearly choking with emotion. And then: "Scully, I... I need you."

She went quiet for such a long time he began to wonder if they had been disconnected. Finally he heard her breath out in a long sigh. "Be right there."

 

*** *** ***

 

When Scully reached his apartment Mulder jerked the door open after her first knock. She flinched in surprise and took a step backwards out of reflex. Then he moved aside to let her in.

She watched him, and when he turned his head to look at her, she was already close to him, raising her hand as if she'd want to embrace him. And she watched him recoil, avoiding her touch. His eyes widened in near-panic. "Don't." he whispered, and she watched an almost violent shiver run through his body. A few seconds he stared at her, wide-eyed and horrified. Then he suddenly turned and fled to the living room where he collapsed on the couch.

Scully stared at his back, confused and slightly swaying. Then she drew in a deep breath and closed the door before she followed him. "And I missed you, too." she murmured, standing beside him. He didn't answer, and she looked at him more closely.

He must have taken a late-night shower; his hair was still damp, and his face was shaved so smoothly that for the first time since she'd become his partner he'd lost even the slightest hint of stubble. She found he'd never looked so incredibly young. And vulnerable. It was disturbing to see him like this.

When he remained silent she raised her head, unconsciously pushing her red hair out of her face. Then her gaze fell through the half-opened bedroom door, and she wondered absentmindedly why he'd pulled down the sheets and - obviously in a hurry - piled them on the floor in a disorganized heap. Surely he hadn't been... His strange behavior made sense all of a sudden, and it made her blush, mostly from embarrassment but with an unexpected rush of jealousy, too.

He'd been with someone. She hadn't expected that when he'd called her. It hurt to think about it, but she couldn't help it, couldn't help but wonder about the woman that was the cause of such a violent reaction. His almost nonexistent social life... The half-formed thought resulted in another painful sting as she recalled that he had changed. That she knew next to nothing about his life during the past few months.

"It's true, then? You really remember?" she finally managed to ask, swallowing around the lump in her throat. He only nodded in silence, and she raised a hand to his shoulder. He shuddered as if he'd sensed it, and she remembered his former reaction. With an effort she pulled her hand back before she'd actually touched him, afraid he'd might push her away if she did, knowing she couldn't bear that. So she watched him , and his tormented expression hurt her more than she'd thought possible. "What happened?" she asked softly.

For a few long moments he just sat there, his face buried into trembling hands, and Scully couldn't do anything but wait for a reaction, wait for him to come out of this terrible numbness.

And then, suddenly, unexpectedly, he looked at her and reached for her and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her waist and drawing her into an almost painful embrace. The movement made her gasp and startled her at first but she did her best to control her surprise. She felt him shiver again as he pressed against her almost desperately. Slowly she slid her arms around her partner - friend - and held him in a tight embrace to give him the comfort he needed. When she stroked his back gently and ran a trembling hand through his hair, she felt him bury his face into her stomach, drawing a shuddering breath.

They stood like that for an eternity.

 

*** *** ***

 

"And you honestly expect us to believe that, Agent Mulder?" The question was asked in an extremely bored fashion, and Mulder watched the well-dressed man with steadily growing annoyance.

"No, sir. Wouldn't dream of it."

The man raised his head at the sarcastic tone, staring at the agent. "What was that?"

But Mulder's patience was too worn-thin to let him feel intimidated. The same questions, over and over again, none of his answers satisfying. By now he just wanted to get out of this hearing, and so his response was more than a little impatient.

"With all due respect, sir - we've been discussing this for hours, and I fail to see what else you expect from me." The remark resulted in a few raised eyebrows, but nevertheless Mulder continued. "You wanted my report on the Carnaugh case, you got it. You wanted me to name reasons to justify my actions, I did. You wanted me to remember, and I did."

The man turned his gaze back to his papers, obviously not impressed. "Yes, you did. Just two days ago, as a matter of fact." Water blue eyes scrutinized Mulder. "How very convenient..."

The agent tilted his head to the side. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked sharply.

"Agent Mulder, it has been strongly recommended that you undergo a psychiatric evaluation." Skinner interjected at this point, sensing that Mulder was well on the way of getting himself into real trouble. "Even drug therapy has been suggested."

Mulder's head snapped around but Skinner avoided his eyes, exchanging a look with the well-dressed man instead. He took a deep breath, and this time he considered his answer carefully.

 

*** *** ***

 

When Mulder got out of the hearing about half an hour later, he found Scully still waiting for him in the hall. As she noticed him, one corner of her mouth quirked up in one of her half smiles she usually gave him when he'd presented one of his theories to her and she didn't believe a word he'd said.

"How'd it go?" she asked quietly, and he slumped back against the corridor wall, hands buried into his pockets.

"Eat me. I'm done." he answered wryly.

The dry remark couldn't mask his exhaustion, and Scully stared at him, concern showing clearly. "That bad?"

"Uh-huh." He nodded, then leaned his head back against the wall with a sigh. After a few seconds he opened his eyes again and met her gaze, realizing she deserved a more detailed explanation. He shrugged. "Actually, not as bad as I thought. They want me to talk to a shrink, but other than that we're pretty much back to business. Sometimes I think Skinner gets a kick out of saving my ass."

She knew him well enough to sense that there was so much more than his offhand comment revealed, but she also knew pressing him wouldn't work. He may have been 'back to business', but there was still so much between them, so much he hadn't told her, would maybe never tell her...

The thought hurt, and she pushed it away like so many things lately. She raised a hand and patted his shoulder gently. "C'mon, Mulder. I need some coffee." she sighed. "And something to eat. And then you can tell me about it."

"Sure, doc." he replied quietly as he walked beside her.

 

*** *** ***

 

When Mulder made his way through the parking lot later that day, he was so deeply lost in thought that at first he didn't notice he wasn't alone. It wasn't until he'd nearly reached his car that he suddenly saw the tall figure leaning against the side of it with arms crossed in front of his chest. Mulder froze in mid-movement. He hadn't expected to see this one again - not that soon, that is.

The whole day he'd managed to ignore the half-remembered images that were still nagging him, had pushed them deep into that dark spot of his consciousness from where they wouldn't surface that easily except for a bad dream now and then. But now that he saw the source of his trouble right in front of him a white-hot blaze of anger flamed through his mind.

Alex looked up at the sound of footsteps, and a smile flashed across his face as he recognized Mulder. He stood straight and moved towards him. "Hi. You weren't at the park yesterday, so I figured..." He never managed to finish the sentence.

Mulder quickly regained control over his muscles, and as he did he strode up to Alex with furious speed. His fist impacted with Alex's jaw, hurling the surprised man back against the hood with violent force. Mulder pursued him with wild ferocity, hitting him again and grabbing him by the jacket as Alex tried to ward off the blows that now drove him back against a concrete wall. He slipped and fell, dragging Mulder down, too, and he ended up on the floor with the agent kneeling above him, still clutching at his clothes. Alex just stared at the heavily panting man, wide-eyed and shocked by the unexpected rage, ignoring the still-raised fist hovering above his face, ready to strike him at the slightest move.

"It seems you remember." he finally stated coolly, and he just hoped Mulder didn't realize how great an effort it took him to keep his voice and expression under control. God, it hurt. But he wouldn't give Mulder the satisfaction of showing it.

"Get out of my life and stay out of it!" Mulder hissed in response, anger and pain nearly choking him.

His words felt like another blow to Alex, like the stab of a knife directed at his heart. Slowly he raised an arm to wipe a thin trail of blood from his lower lip where he'd been hit, and somehow he managed to hide the pain that stunned him behind that gesture. "Back to hating my guts, huh?" He'd never heard his own voice that cold, that unemotional before. When he met Mulder's eyes he knew he had been right. He would never get close to him again.

"Stay out of my life!" Mulder repeated now, trembling with barely controlled anger. "Or I'll kill you like you murdered my father!" He released him then, pushing him a final time hard against the concrete floor; then he got up and into his car without looking back.

Alex watched him start the car and drive away with a strange numbness spreading through his mind. Slowly he pushed himself up and, still sitting, leaned back against the wall, watching the car disappear. Then the pain came back, pushed hard through the layer of control he'd wrapped around his feelings, and he doubled over with a voiceless moan. It had been such a long time since he'd lost someone who was really important to him. He'd forgotten how much it could hurt.

 

*** *** ***

 

Mulder slammed his apartment door shut behind him with a curse. "Damn!" he muttered as he strode through his living room and the hallway, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger. The encounter with Krycek had shattered his carefully arranged composure completely, and his emotions wavered somewhere between raging hate and the painful feeling that he'd been used. A little workout to blow off steam would have been perfect right now but he decided against it because he felt already exhausted. No use in spending his energies any further.

After a while he calmed down a bit. In search of an activity that would distract him he turned towards his bedroom, deciding to finally put some new sheets on. Not exactly the right thing to take his mind off the damned night with his former partner, but it had to be done.

He'd spent the rest of that night the normal... no, not the normal but the usual way curled up on his couch, with Scully sitting by his side until he'd finally fallen asleep. He'd been avoiding his bedroom the whole day after, hadn't wanted to deal with the memory it now held. He drew a deep breath. Time to face it like a man.

When he passed the bookshelves he came across the plush tiger Alex had given him, and his lips tightened with newly flaring anger. He grabbed the stupid toy with a snarl and hurled it into the paper basket, barely able to fight down the urge to tear it apart with his bare hands. Then he turned towards the bed to put clean sheets on.

As he leaned over his bed he soon found his thoughts inevitably drifting back to the night with Alex, and he started to smooth the sheets with hard strokes to keep his hands from trembling. Why, why had Krycek pulled this charade?! What the hell had he been up to?

The question made him lean back against the wall with a groan. He raised both hands to rub his eyes with his palms, then push his hair back as his emotions overwhelmed him. How could someone as ruthless as Krycek be as... as the Alex he'd come to know? How was it possible that he'd misjudged the younger man like that?!

The tears in his eyes felt strange, even more as he realized that he was mourning the loss of someone who had never really existed.

His head started to ache, adding a physical pain to his distress as he recalled snippets of their talk, including very personal things they'd discussed; some of them he hadn't even told Scully before. His mind simply refused to understand why Alex had pretended to be his friend. A perverse method to hurt him more thoroughly? Well, this he'd managed perfectly.

As he opened his eyes he found the little tiger staring right at him accusingly. His paws had somehow come to rest on the edge of the paper basket, and he looked like he was ready to climb out of it any second. To be honest, he looked extremely pissed, even for a toy.

After he had stared at it for quite a while Mulder surrendered to the yellow eyes and went over to the waste bin where he picked the tiger out of the trash and put it back to his place on the shelves.

 

*** *** ***

 

"Ouch!" Scully winced as Mulder's quick examination only served to increase the pain in her shoulder that had been slammed against the concrete wall. She slapped his hand away impatiently and tried to get back to her feet. "Stop fondling me and get after him! I'm okay!" she reassured him, shooing him away as he hesitated. With a nod Mulder got to his feet and turned to follow the man he knew as Ornesto Stubbs.

He raced across the parking level, using the parked cars as cover. He didn't like leaving Scully behind but she was right - they couldn't afford to lose Stubbs again. Besides - she was all grown up, and he knew she could take care of herself. He heard the sound of quick footsteps further down the way and doubled his speed.

He was halfway down the stairs to the next level when there was a gunshot all of a sudden, and for a heartbeat Mulder froze in mid-movement. Then he pushed himself forward again and ran around the next corner. He had to cross the lower parking level and take another turn before he saw Stubbs' body, lying face down on the concrete. And the dark figure leaning over the limp body with a gun.

"Federal Agent! Put the gun down immediately!" he ordered, aiming his own weapon at the man's back. Hearing his voice, the stranger raised slowly, then turned around to face him.

"It wasn't me." Alex said in a low voice, ignoring the way Mulder gasped in surprise. He kept hold of the gun but didn't raise it, held it loosely down his side. Waiting for the agent to react. Mulder just stared at him for a few seconds in the hopeless attempt to control the conflicting emotions that suddenly raged through him.

He hadn't seen Krycek in about two months - and frankly he hadn't expected to see him ever again. Now he was absolutely unsure what to do, except keep the gun up and point it at the young man's head. He'd cut his hair, Mulder suddenly noticed, and the sting of disappointment he felt at the observation astonished him. The short hair and the wary expression took a lot of the softness out of his face and left him looking somehow... unpredictable. Hard. And definitely dangerous.

"I didn't shoot him." he repeated now, his voice carefully controlled.

The soft-spoken words made Mulder snort, and he stepped up to his former partner until his gun was only a few inches from the other's chest. Alex didn't move, just stared at him with those startling green eyes. Still holding the gun.

"Why should I believe you?" Mulder hissed, and his anger and pain seeped through the tight grip of his control. "I've never trusted you! Why should I start now?!" He didn't realize himself he was no longer talking about Stubbs, but Alex knew, and the words felt like a knife through his heart. His expression turned cold.

"Okay. Whatever you say." he replied, not really answering the question. He took a step forward and through the thin fabric of his shirt he felt the muzzle of Mulder's gun press against his sternum. "But remember that for a brief time you trusted me enough to fuck me." The brutally frank choice of words made Mulder wince but Alex didn't care. The other's words had hurt too much, and now he simply wanted to lash back, shatter Mulder's goddamn conviction that his feelings were the only ones involved. Nevertheless his voice turned softer as he met the older man's gaze. "And whatever you may think of me - I would never kill someone I made love to."

Mulder's eyes widened at his choice of words. Why, why did he have to say that?! Why right now, just as his mind had begun to accept the fact that Alex had merely used him for one of his sick games... Painful emotion washed over him, and he felt his hands begin to tremble against his will. He saw Alex's chest rise in a deep sigh, and for a split second he understood that it wouldn't matter if he squeezed the trigger right now. That Alex was truly tired of running away, so tired he put his life into Mulder's hands, his to take if he wanted to.

And he realized he couldn't do it. His hands trembled almost violently as he backed away, panting heavily as their eyes met once again. Slowly he lowered his still outstretched arms. And Alex understood.

The sound of quick steps broke their paralysis. "Drop the gun!" Scully's voice suddenly echoed across the parking level, and Mulder watched Alex lift the gun through a haze, aim at Scully with a strangely hardened expression, and he still couldn't pull the trigger.

Then Scully fired, and he saw Alex being hurled back by the force of the impact, the shot going right through his shoulder, making him drop the gun. And he screamed "No!", turning back to Scully, grabbing her wrist and jerking it upwards before she could fire again.

She struggled to get her hand free, but by the time he released her Alex was out of range and quickly out of sight. "Dammit, Mulder, what are you doing?!" she cried out as he showed no intention of following the other man. The man who'd killed her sister.

Mulder took a step backwards and leaned against the concrete wall, running a hand through his hair with a low moan. "He said he didn't do it." he said after a while, knowing this statement wouldn't serve to explain his strange behavior.

Silence. "He's right, he didn't shoot." he then heard her voice. He raised his eyes and found her squatting beside the body, sniffing at the gun Alex had dropped, holding it up with a ball-point. "At least not with this gun." She pulled out a plastic bag and dropped the gun into it, then turned to face him. Her movements sparkled with barely controlled anger as she glared at him. "Mulder, would you mind telling me what that was about?!"

He met the insisting look of her blue eyes, and the raw pain she saw was so intense it made her hold her breath. "I can't, Scully." he whispered. "I just can't."

 

*** *** ***

 

It was in another parking lot about a week later when Alex Krycek finally found the man he was looking for. The black man he only knew as X who'd sent him this time to spy on Mulder.

"I saw you killing that man." he remarked quietly as X passed him, at first not noticing the slender body leaning against the wall, partly swallowed by darkness. It satisfied Alex immensely to see X, always so in control, so superior, jump in surprise and go for his gun at the unexpected voice. He didn't react, just continued to stare down at his fingernails with unfathomable calm. "Last week, that is. What you did in the meantime..." He shrugged.

The black man didn't react, just scrutinized him in a very self-confident way, so he continued: "Stubbs wasn't there to talk to Mulder, you know." Judging from X's look, he hadn't known. "He was supposed to talk to me. In fact, he did. Told me some interesting tidbits."

"And what do you intend to do with your knowledge?" X asked after a few seconds, his hand still in reach of his gun.

The question wasn't answered, at least not in the expected way. Alex looked up to stare at the black man with cold eyes although his voice sounded casually. "Does Mulder know he's just a pawn in your private little war?" X kept absolutely quiet, and after a few seconds Alex nodded. "Thought so. After all, that's what you needed me for, right?" Still no answer. The young ex-agent pushed himself upright and took a few steps towards X until they were only a few inches apart. His voice was low, barely controlled, and he didn't bother to hide the threat his words held. "Correct me if I'm wrong but I guess Mulder's memory lapses came inconvenient to you bastards. He was useless to you like that. You needed him the way he was before, fanatical and driven by his obsessions. You didn't want me to test his memory - you wanted me to *reactivate* it."

This finally brought a reaction from X. "And you've done a quite remarkable job. But if you expect a commendation you're on the wrong track." he stated icily, stepping back. "Anything else?"

"Actually, there is." Alex nodded with a dangerous smile. "I'm sick of doing everybody's dirty work, and I'm sick of all your little secrets and conspiracies, you double-crossing son of a bitch!" X just eyed him with a blank expression until Alex narrowed his eyes in obvious anger. "A short time ago my life was okay. Hell, I was an FBI agent! I've always thought that would be something to be proud of. Now I'm nothing more than a killer on the run."

X stared at him in silence, radiating an almost perceptible boredom. Then he shrugged. "Nobody forced you to pull the trigger."

"Yeah, right. Just my own choices." Alex snorted, then pushed his hair back in a nervous gesture. "I'm not even thirty. Nobody should've killed at that age. I have killed enough for a whole lifetime."

Now X produced a sound of disgust deep in his throat. "You're pathetic."

Alex's head came up in a quick movement. "Maybe." A sad smile curved his lips for a second, then vanished again, leaving his face cold and with a no-nonsense expression. "Looks like I'm also on my own again. Consider our agreement canceled." With that he turned to leave, passing X who watched him with angry impatience.

"You're a fool, Krycek." he called, and Alex tensed at the words that followed. "A dead fool, if you don't take care of that attitude."

Alex turned with such a quick movement X jerked backed in surprise. With two long steps he reached the black man, grabbed him by the coat and slammed him against the wall. He heard the cough as the other's back hit the concrete, and although the muscles in his left shoulder that had barely begun to heal screamed in protest, he had his gun out and pressed against X's throat before the other could catch his breath again. He signaled the suddenly very tense X to drop his own gun, and after a careful consideration of circumstances he obeyed.

"Don't imagine for a second that I would be scared of you or your men." Alex whispered. His gaze met the dark eyes, and suddenly X knew the young man was deadly serious - in every meaning of the word. "You know damn well I've got nothing to lose. Right now I'm more dangerous than any of your would-be assassins..."

With that he drew back, his gun still aimed at X until he was well away. He strode off and didn't stop until he was several blocks away from the building, constantly looking over his shoulder to determine if he was being followed. After a while he was able to relax a bit, and he stopped for a short moment to think, rubbing his stiff neck with one hand.

As he tilted his head back, he realized that it was about sunrise, and he looked up into the sky, his eyes taking in the multicolored splashes that looked like they had been splayed across the sky by a mad painter. Beautiful.

He resumed his path, his mind already on the few things he'd take with him when he'd leave the apartment today, just in case. Strangely, it didn't feel as bad as he thought it would.

Not even a week ago he had been willing to effectively throw away his life, hand over his fate to one man. And that man had given it back to him.

Now it was different somehow. He was still on the run, and still tired of it, but it was no longer enough to give up. He'd taken a great leap from a mountain of despair. And, hell - he'd fallen very hard. But he wasn't crushed. No, sir.

 

\- the end -


End file.
